


Singularity

by Lumy12



Series: Savage Starlight [3]
Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, First Game Only, Joel/Ellie - Freeform, Some Humor, just ask me if you need more info, series used to be canon-compliant but isn't anymore, some smut, too many tags spoil the story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:15:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29114376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lumy12/pseuds/Lumy12
Summary: When their "vacation" comes to an abrupt end, Joel and Ellie must get back to reality.  How will they handle what life throws at them next?"Singularity" is the 14th comic in the SS series... and while I'd like to tie in the physics definition (which includes neat stuff like infinity and black holes), I'm not poetic enough.  The primary definition will do:  the state, fact, quality, or condition of being singular (denoting or referring to just one person or thing).
Relationships: Ellie/Joel (The Last of Us)
Series: Savage Starlight [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1826461
Comments: 34
Kudos: 49





	1. Too Good To Be True

**Author's Note:**

> Yep, I'm back, after once again claiming to be done with this story! Apologies for the long-ass A/N, but please read -- you will barely hear a peep from me after this, I swear. 
> 
> As with the previous installments, this is a complete story on its own (er, it will be when I'm done), and you don't necessarily have to read the others first... however, at this point, Joel and Ellie may feel a bit out of character if you're going in blind. If you've read the first two but it's been a while, no worries -- I will explain references throughout the story, I don't expect you to just remember everything :) In fact, this first chapter serves mainly as recap.
> 
> Regarding TLOU2: I have not played the game nor watched any trailers except the first teaser, and have stayed out of the fandom almost entirely for years now, other than posting fic, so I'm... relatively unspoiled? (I do expect that to change now, but I'm still hoping it doesn't) Although people have dropped enough hints that I have some idea of what's happened in canon. I won't be playing the game until I'm done writing, if I even play it at all. I'm afraid that even if I love it, it will ruin my little fantasy story here, and I'm just not ready to give it up! If you could please pretend the game doesn't exist when you're reading, it would be appreciated (I think you kind of have to if you're going to enjoy this story anyway). Obviously it's no longer canon-compliant and there will be many things I "got wrong." Even if I knew which things are wrong, I don't believe in retconning... even when I very much wish I could because I don't like something that I wrote in the first two parts... lol.
> 
> Regarding warnings: Underage. Anything else is kind of spoilery, but I will give chapter-specific warnings where I feel they are needed. I'm happy to answer questions individually, though!
> 
> Regarding update frequency: I would like to post a new chapter approximately every two weeks, but may lag a bit in the beginning because I haven't quite finished the rough draft yet (I had intended to, because going back and forth between both ends of the timeline is not ideal, but I also really wanted to start posting in January). I know I've updated more frequently than that previously, but most of these chapters are going to be pretty darn long, so I hope that makes up for it. I have about 270,000 words of content already -- I promise you, I AM committed to finishing this work.
> 
> Regarding smut: Yes there is some, but as usual, smuttiness is not the primary focus of the sex scenes... which are probably not as graphic as they're "supposed" to be, either. And as the draft stands now, I have some "fade to black" parts where it feels like adding smut would be gratuitous, so if it stays like that in editing... consider yourselves warned ;)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoy the story!

_Paradise_. If Joel had to describe Golden Sands in one word, that's the one he would probably settle on. While his brother was shivering through the winter back in Jackson County, presumably trapped in his own home from time to time by mountains of snow, Joel was lounging on a beach at a secure resort in Monterey, California, the steady roar of the waves lulling his brain into its most relaxed state in... God knows how long. Joel might shiver from time to time, as the breeze could be chilly this time of year, especially in the shade -- and he was in the shade a lot, in the little cabana they'd pretty much claimed as their own, because he didn't want Ellie to spend too much time in the sun. Still, he reckoned Tommy would trade places with him right now in a heartbeat.

However, spring was right around the corner. As was Ellie's birthday. It was pretty damn fitting, really, for that girl to have been born right around the spring equinox. _Hope springs eternal…_ rebirth and renewal and all that. Technically, it would be the second birthday of hers that he would be spending with her, but her fifteenth birthday had come and gone with neither of them knowing what day it was, as they'd been out of touch with civilization at the time. This would be the first one they could actually celebrate.

Joel watched her now, playing down by the water's edge with the only two little kids in the community. From the looks of it, they were playing some silly game that involved burying someone in the sand and dumping buckets of water on them while chanting something ridiculous -- one of those games that only makes sense if you have the mind of a child. Or, in Ellie's case, a good imagination and a child-like inclination towards silliness. He always enjoyed watching her play with the kids, albeit from a safe distance: far enough away that she couldn't drag his ass into it.

Eventually, she trotted back up to the cabana (quite a feat in the thick white sand, but Ellie managed), slowing as she approached him. Practically tip-toeing there at the end. Not making a sound... and looking at him kind of funny.

"What," he finally had to ask.

"Oh! I was trying to see if you were asleep!" she laughed, bouncing over to him and giving him a quick kiss before plopping into her lounge chair. "Those are creepy."

"They're s'posed to be _cool,"_ he replied. She was referring to his reflective sunglasses, a recent addition to his accessories wardrobe. (It also happened to be the _entirety_ of said accessories wardrobe.)

"Pffff. You have to try a little harder than that if you wanna be cool," she teased.

He could hear the _"old man"_ at the end of that sentence, although she never referred to him that way -- not out loud. He had to be ancient in her eyes, but Tommy was the only one who ever teased him about his age. Joel got the feeling that Ellie was afraid to say anything that might cause him to reconsider the appropriateness of their relationship... or something along those lines. Like he might suddenly wake up and realize that a thirty-plus-year age difference was unsustainable. _But she was like that before, too..._ he thought it might also have something to do with her fear of him dying. Because to a fifteen-year-old, fifty was the equivalent of one foot in the grave. _"Almost sixteen"_ \-- he could hear her correct him in his mind. She'd been doing that ever since they rang in the new year. 

She reached over to pluck the glasses off his face and apply them to her own… and they practically engulfed half her face. "Ugh -- they'll slide right off unless I lean my head back like this..." She turned her face skyward. Or... bedsheet-ward, actually (Joel assumed that back in the day, the canopies had been nice and fancy -- as had the resort itself -- but the sheets still got the job done). "I am now a _snob_ ," she declared in that cute affected voice she donned occasionally. "Looking down my nose at the likes of you!"

"They _are_ a little big for you," he chuckled, although he didn't think they would actually slide off that adorable little nose of hers. "But not for me. Gimme those."

She ducked out of his (half-assed) reach. "You just like spying on people," she accused him playfully.

"It ain't spyin' if it's in plain sight. And keepin' an eye on folks ain't the same as spyin'."

Apparently tired of playing with the things already, she tossed them back to him and reclined her chair back a little. "You know who we should _keep an eye_ on some night? Sylvia."

"Sylvia?" Joel echoed. He slid the creepy spyglasses back onto his own much-less-adorable nose.

"The kids' mom," she groaned, misunderstanding him.

"I know who she is," he replied; remembering names wasn't his strong suit, but even he could manage twenty-two of them after living in the same colony for nearly four months -- and it was actually only twenty names if he subtracted Sophie and Alex, the two he already knew from Jackson. "I just don't see why she would be interestin' to watch."

"Well, Gabby just told me she woke up _again_ after campfire and Sylvia wasn't around. For a long time. Actually, it was Chad who started telling me cuz he was complaining about how she kicks in her sleep -- and I know they have their own beds. So I asked him why he let his sister sleep in his bed in the first place, like... did she have a nightmare or something so he was being nice? Cuz I could maybe see that... if I had a big brother or sister nearby and I was scared, I might wanna be close to them, like it would be a comforting--"

"Ellie." Sometimes just interrupting with her name was enough to get her back on track.

"Yeah, so... then Gabby told me she didn't have a nightmare, she just woke up for some reason. Maybe she heard Sylvia leave and didn't realize that's what woke her? But she wanted her mom anyways so she looked in her bedroom... in the bathroom... and a little bit outside... she could see that the fire was done, and it was all dark down on the beach, no one around... so she called for Sylvia and got no answer -- she was just… _gone_." She paused for dramatic effect, clearly awaiting a reaction...

...but Joel didn't give enough of a shit to give her anything satisfying. "She came back at some point, obviously. Did the kids ask her about it then? Or the next mornin'?"

"They don't ask because she gets mad at them if they do. Like she practically bit their heads off the first time. Shouldn't she feel, like... _bad?_ I mean... obviously I don't really know anything about parenting, but I do know you're not supposed to leave your kids alone -- _little_ kids, at least."

_Or fifteen-year-old kids, as the case may be_... Joel supposed he should feel grateful that this was what the drama in their lives had been reduced to: 'slow news day' shit of no consequence. "That's right. Back in my day, that--"

"--would be considered neglect," Ellie finished for him, rolling her eyes because she'd heard it so often (and yet he still felt compelled to point it out when the subject arose).

"But things are different now." The generic, clichéd explanation for everything under the sun, it seemed. "Where do _you_ think she goes? I know you're thinkin' somethin'. You've got that look in your eye..."

She smirked. " _I_ think she has a boyfriend she doesn't want anyone to know about. Which probably means he's married. Or, you know... like, _with_ someone. Right? Otherwise, why be sneaky about it? But... _who?_ I mean... there's not that many options around here."

Joel sighed. "You're right -- it's me. Shit, you weren't s'posed to work that out so fast." 

She shot right up in her chair and slugged his arm. "Not funny!"

He winced -- mostly for show, as the angle of her delivery had significantly lessened the impact; the girl _could_ hit pretty damn hard. "Who said I was jokin'?"

She just rolled her eyes. "Seriously -- who do you think it is?" she pressed.

Joel knew that some of the people here were... _what's the word... polyamorous?_ He suspected the abundance of marijuana might be partly to blame. He wasn't in the habit of discussing people's sex lives with them, but he'd picked up on a few things here and there, just by observation. And for some reason, Sophie had felt the need to share some shit with him... shit that she'd learned about folks. He was pretty sure Ellie didn't know about any of it, and he had asked Sophie to please keep it that way (he'd stolen so much of her innocence, yet he still wanted to protect what was left of it wherever he could). Sophie had smirked at the request... said something annoying as hell -- something about him not wanting to put ideas in Ellie's head about swinging, which might open her mind to the possibilities... _but that ain't it at all. She just don't need to know about all that._ "Could be a perfectly innocent explanation," he reminded Ellie.

"Oh yeah? Like what?"

"Like... she sleepwalks?"

Ellie snorted.

Yeah, surely he could think of something less far-fetched... "She wanted to smoke a joint but not around the kids? She got hungry?" People didn't tend to keep much food in their rooms. "She suddenly remembered somethin' she forgot to do in the cafeteria that couldn't wait? Who knows. Even when she ain't workin', those kids run around unsupervised all the--"

"Yeah, but that's in the daytime, when everyone's around to keep an eye on them."

Not 'everyone,' but usually at least a handful. The community seemed to be raising those kids as much as -- maybe even more than -- their own mother was. Even with all those eyes on them, they sometimes managed to slip away to parts unknown (though as of yet, they hadn't found a way Outside, at least). Joel watched them sometimes himself -- whenever he was 'keeping an eye' on Ellie and the kids were hanging around her, as they were wont to do. "What are you sayin'?" he asked her now. "That we should do a stake-out of her place? Follow her on her... nighttime excursions?"

Ellie lit up at the suggestion. "Yeah, maybe!"

"Psh. I think we're usually a little busy doin'... other things." Granted, not _every_ night...

She grinned. "Well... we can still do that before. Or after? Fuck, I wish Gabs could tell me what time this was..."

"I've got an idea -- why don't you just _ask_ her?"

"Who -- Sylvia?"

"Ask her where she goes at night after the kids fall asleep."

"I just told you -- Gabby asked and she won't say!"

"Well, don't you think there are some things a person might tell an adult that they wouldn't tell a six-year-old?"

Ellie just smiled.

"What?"

"You called me an adult," she said triumphantly.

"You know what I mean."

"But I _am_ an adult. Basically."

"Basically, yes." _And yet you're also NOT... you're still my baby girl. Sex can't change that._

Beaming, she abandoned her chair in favor of his -- or his lap, rather. And since he was half-reclining, she was pretty much laying on top of him. "Take these stupid things off your face," she said, but then she proceeded to do it for him, flinging the offending sunglasses into the sand.

"Those were expensive, you know," he mock chastised her. "An' they look good as new."

"Who gives a fuck how expensive they were? It's not like you _paid_ for them."

"Sure I did. All the blood, sweat, an' tears that I--"

She shut him up with a kiss. Even after all these months together, the method was still quite effective... until she started giggling. "Good thing I swallowed the sand already..."

He didn't need to ask why she’d had sand in her mouth; the goddamn shit got _everywhere_. Joel was not a fan. _Maybe Tommy wouldn't envy me THAT_... And now he could see she was waiting for him to tell her she should have spit it out instead, to which she’d undoubtedly make some sort of dirty spit-or-swallow reference… but he wasn’t going to set that up for her this time. "Come on." He swatted her bottom. "We're gonna break the chair."

"It's supposed to hold like three hundred pounds," she recited -- like she did every time he gave her that warning now. 

_Christ, how_ _dull and predictable_ _are we now, with all these autoreplies stored up?_ And yet they hadn't gotten bored with each other (not that he was aware of, anyway; Ellie still seemed content with him). "Not three hundred pounds wrigglin' around like you are."

"Hey, _I'm_ not making up most of the pounds here." But she took the hint and slid down just a smidge to nuzzle his neck. "Not like anyone's watching us..."

He started smoothing her tangly, windblown, sun-streaked hair by gently threading his fingers through it. Unsurprisingly, he encountered more sand there. "See, that's the thing about them glasses. People only watch you when you ain't payin' 'em any mind. If they can't see where your gaze is at, you'll catch 'em lookin' more than you think."

"Pffff. _You_ can tell when people are looking at us without even looking at them. I've seen you do it. And if you don't want someone looking at us -- or at me, like on the beach down there? How can you shoot them a deathglare if they can't see it?"

"I don' need to _deathglare_ at anyone." _Not today, anyway_.

"I guess you could take them off for a sec, huh. If you did have to glare. Okay, so -- Sylvia. You know who I'll ask? Sophie. I bet she'll know. Bitch knows _everything_."

Joel knew that 'bitch' was an affectionate term, in this case, although it wasn't so long ago that Ellie had meant it literally -- among plenty of other names she had unfairly dubbed the woman before they'd 'escorted' her to Monterey and gotten to know her better along the way. "I still don't see why you can't ask Sylvia herself."

" _Because!"_ Joel heard the 'duh' in there. "She's not going to just _tell_ me; she thinks of me as a kid. I'd get the bullshit version. And unlike you, I wouldn't be able to figure out the truth by reading between the _lines_ of the bullshit. -Oh hey -- why don't _you_ ask her?" Ellie lifted her head to grin at him hopefully.

"Oh sure, that'll come out real natural. I think I've talked to her... twice? Three times? Total. In all the time we've been here."

"Well, you said it yourself -- it's neglect. You could be like a... ..."

"Concerned citizen?" he supplied.

"Yeah! Something like that."

Joel knew all about those; when enough of them had brought their _concerns_ to Tommy, Tommy had had to confront Joel about the nature of his relationship with Ellie. Joel had lied his ass off, of course, and by the end of the conversation, Tommy was apologizing for even thinking for one second that Joel might take advantage of sweet little Ellie. _If he could see us now_... He kissed her nose. "You know what 'concerned citizen' stands for? _Nosy neighbor_."

Ellie sighed and settled into his neck again. "And we do hate those. But if you--"

"It's none of our business. Do I think certain things oughta be done differently around here? Sure. Do I shoot my mouth off about it?"

"Uh... yeah, you didn't like the way they did the firewood, and you just had to--"

"Aside from that. ...An' the other times,” he added before she brought up other suggestions he'd made regarding the perimeter... provisions protocol...

Ellie giggled. "So you don't butt in, except when you do. All the time."

"It ain't all the time. But things are... different here, that's for sure. It works to our advantage, don't it? Hmm?" He gave up on the lost cause of untangling her hair and gave her a big squeeze.

"Yeah... I guess..."

Of course it did. Not a single person had confronted him about his... _inappropriate relations_ with Ellie. No one here gave two shits. ...Well, that wasn't completely true... he knew some disapproved (he'd indirectly taken everyone's temperature on the matter early enough), but they didn't disapprove to the point of interference. And even those folks had mellowed over time, after he and Ellie had proven themselves useful.

_Mellow_. That was another good word to describe the place. It helped that Monterey seemed to have an abundance (hell -- more like a never-ending supply) of marijuana. And unlike Jackson, it was not reserved for medicinal purposes only. 

It wasn't just the weed and the usefulness... it was Ellie. She'd been a little reserved at first, due to them being strangers in a strange land, and given everything she'd been through, physically and emotionally, on the way here. She had the tendency to withdraw when things were troubling her (not unlike himself). But the girl was resilient as hell, and her bubbly personality would not remain suppressed for long. She won everyone over easily -- with no effort on her part. It was just her being herself. He was pretty sure that people had asked her about their relationship... but she never passed on what they said. Outwardly, Ellie seemed to be confident enough... to _trust_ him enough... but then, there were those quirky little things -- like how she bit her tongue before calling him 'old' -- that suggested she might still have her doubts. Sex had not been the magical cure-all for those, she had learned. ...They _both_ had learned. His reasons for deciding to shred what tiny bit of morality he'd clung to on that front were... well, not the right ones, he supposed. But he didn't regret it. And neither did she. That was all that mattered, in the end.

He trailed his hand down the back of her semi-coiled leg and sighed. "You've really gotta start doin' a better job up here. Can you see it? Look."

She twisted around and grimaced as she regarded her red thigh. "I'll live. Just don't scratch me there and it'll be fine."

"I don't scratch. I... _graze._ "

She laid her head back down. "Whatever -- if you would just do it for me out here the way you do in the room--"

"Oh _hell_ no," Joel cut her off. Unless they actually did end up going back to their room, the only reapplication he would do for her was on her face and neck. 

"Okay so not _exactly_ the way you do it there," she conceded with a giggle. "But the business part. I don't see what the big deal is. You're only touching parts of me _not_ covered up. And we're not in Jackson -- everyone already _knows_. You could slip a finger in there and no one--"

" _Ellie._ "

She giggled again. "That shit _is_ like magic, though. Do you think they'll let us take some home? Maybe this bottle of it, at least?"

"This bottle, sure. I don't think they've got cases an' cases of it layin' around, though."

Jackson never picked up sunscreen in trade... or sunglasses... Joel could perhaps chalk those up to the difference in climate between California and Wyoming. The feminine hygiene products were a mystery, though; he'd never been out to the base here, but they'd been told it was all men. And if much of the supplies were being funneled into the resort on the down-low, as had been alluded to, there would be no reason for the government to send those here. Someone postulated that they don't discriminate back east when they pack up those supply crates... everyone gets the same shit to divide how they see fit. If that was true, it contradicted his customize-by-location theory... unless you consider the fact that Jackson wasn't run by the military, and those assholes they traded with could very well keep the good stuff for themselves. _"Don't call them assholes,"_ he could hear Ellie chastising him in his mind. _"They sent Millie WAY more fabric than she asked for, and brand new markers for the kids without even a request!"_ Joel had tried to reason with her by pointing out that the soldiers probably had little use for fluorescent markers -- and even less for lace and the like -- but Ellie believed he simply hated all soldiers on principal... that _reason_ didn't factor into it at all.

She wasn't wrong -- but he did have his reasons. And they were sound.

"What about the plugs?" he continued; it was the term Ellie liked to use for tampons -- a substitution that Joel didn't mind one bit (actually, the original term she'd coined was 'cunt plugs,' but he'd persuaded her to adopt the less obscene version). "You gonna swipe a box or two before we go?"

"Fuck yeah I am. At least one. Two seems kind of selfish. It's not like they have cases and cases of those, either. And I'm gonna talk to Maria about getting more for Jackson cuz they're like the best thing ever invented." 

"I'm sure she knows," Joel chuckled. "You've used... the other kind, before. At least the one month, you did."

"Yeah -- one month. Out of... what, five, I think? Jackson never gets enough of _any_ kind of female stuff, and what we _do_ get isn't distributed fairly. Anyways, you should've told me plugs were so much better." She was probably only half joking there.

"It's a little easier to supply ten women than... over a hundred. And you're right. I'm deeply sorry for my... oversight." The obvious argument here was that, as a dude, Joel should be excused from such _oversights_. It might have worked better had he not been quite so _"this ain't my first rodeo"_ in the early days -- prior to the start of the romance, even -- when Ellie had been shy about, maybe even ashamed of, the monthly phenomenon. Of course, the rodeo today was a whole different animal from the one he had known. "Thank God for Sophie. You might've gone the rest of your life without knowin'." Those two had a way of bonding in restrooms... going all the way back to when Ellie didn't even like her.

Ellie snorted. "Except now I know what I'll be missing." She lifted her head again, fixing those beautiful green eyes on him. "Welcome to the club, right? Isn't that what you like to say?"

"Right." Oh, how he would love for her to never experience that feeling... and all the worse feelings out there. He wished like hell that he could just kiss them all away. But wishes of that sort were useless things, best not dwelled on. He trailed a finger lightly down her cheek. "You've been talkin' about Jackson a lot lately. Does that mean..."

"I don't know," she groaned, burying her head in his chest and sighing dramatically. "I don't knoooowwwww!"

He rubbed her head affectionately. "It's all right. Still ain't no hurry."

"But winter is pretty much over now."

"Not really. It can still snow in March an' April. Even into May, sometimes. But that wasn't even the whole deal. I jus' said we have to stay at _least_ through winter. 'Til your birthday." Because it would be pretty goddamn stupid to trade the sunshine for the snow on a long journey -- one that would be hard enough without weather hazards factored in -- when there was no pressing reason to return just yet.

"But... the _baby_..."

Yes, that was Ellie's pressing reason, not his. Which was funny, considering the kid would be _his_ niece or nephew, and no blood relation to Ellie. "The baby won't even be any fun 'til it's at least six months old anyhow." His standard answer to that one.

"And we'll definitely be home by then, right?"

"If you want."

"I _will_ want. By then. ...I think."

Joel chuckled; she was as wishy-washy as ever on the subject of when to leave. "We won't go until your _'I think'_ is more like a... _'I'm pretty sure.'_ If not stronger. All right? Sound like a plan?"

"Whatever you say, Joel," she said lightly.

As the months ticked by here in ~paradise,~ Joel found himself caring less and less about returning to Jackson. He reckoned Ellie was romanticizing it a bit in her memory... their last night there _had_ felt a bit magical, even he had to admit. He remembered how Ellie had absolutely _glowed_ that night, the center of attention at her going away party ( _their_ party, but Joel never was one for the spotlight), and how that had almost made him reluctant to leave.

Almost. Sophie had been desperate to reconnect with her brother, so Joel had agreed to escort her here -- without knowing exactly where _here_ was -- and he wasn't one to go back on his word, but more than that, he had really needed to escape the scrutiny and tension before he did something he would regret. He'd never figured out who it was that had driven them from their own home, into Tommy and Maria's. Who had carved up that rock and decided to chuck it through their window, missing Ellie by mere inches. It had been dark at the time, inside and out, and Joel believed the asshole had had no idea Ellie was standing where she was... but that was beside the point. The _point_ was that some idiot who believed the nasty rumors going around about him and Ellie could just decide to torch the place if they wanted, perhaps while he and Ellie were sleeping. Secluded from the rest of the town, it had seemed like such a perfect spot for them... but remoteness worked against you if your enemies knew you were there, isolated and vulnerable. It was clearly unsafe to stay there. 

Joel hadn't thought about that crap much in these last few months. No doubt the town had lost interest in their affairs shortly after they left; would their return stir things up again? At the moment, it was a bit hard to imagine why anyone would give a shit. The level of acceptance they'd found here had felt like a luxury, at first... a dream, a fantasy. Now it simply felt normal. He didn't want to grope Ellie's thighs in public because it was crass and tacky (especially with two young kids nearby), not because he needed to be cognizant of what it might reveal about their relationship. Her upper half was always covered by a long-sleeved T-shirt, on account of her bite scar, and though he knew she was occasionally annoyed by that, he certainly didn't mind her cleavage being covered at all times as a result. Especially when that boy Parker was around... the only other teenager at the resort. He hadn't made any moves on Ellie or anything like that, but Joel reckoned he must feel _some_ level of desire for her. The only girl there even remotely close to the boy's age, who also happened to be the most beautiful girl in the world? It was a no-brainer. Ellie had told him she was pretty sure he was gay, but her hunch wasn't enough to put Joel’s mind _completely_ at ease.

Overall, though, he was definitely _at ease_ here, compared to Jackson. The location was secure, the people were friendly and open-minded, and it was much easier to keep an eye on Ellie here. They weren't necessarily together 24/7, but she was pretty much always in eyesight. The few times that she wasn't...

Well, he still needed to work on that. It wasn't natural to react the way that he did. He knew this, and he tried to conceal it from Ellie, but he didn't always succeed. She didn't seem to mind. In fact, she'd even told him that she _liked_ the way he always had to know where she was. It made her feel special. This, of course, wasn't natural either. She should rage at him about how smothered she feels, how he doesn't need to treat her like a child, that she's perfectly capable of looking after herself. He wished she _would_ do those things, because maybe that would knock some sense into the part of his brain that liked to freak out over Ellie's absence.

And it would mean that she was... healthy, he supposed would be the word for it -- although he didn't much care for the word, as it reminded him of his sanctimonious brother. _Unafraid_ , then. Independent. Not--

Shit.

_Yes, baby brother, you were right about THAT word choice:_ codependent. Joel was irrevocably so, but Ellie might be able to recover from it. She was young, so there might still be hope for her. They hadn't talked about it in a while, but he knew she was scared to death of him getting himself killed and leaving her alone... and it wasn't right. She was too young to be burdened with that. It also wasn't right that a fifteen-year-old girl was spending so much time with a man more than three times her age. In Jackson, she'd had a life that didn't necessarily revolve around him. Two jobs that had nothing to do with him, friends her own age to hang out with... she would watch movies, listen to music, play video games, read books... all without him. And what did she do here? Hunting-and-gathering was their main occupation, and they also did miscellaneous chores, like chopping firewood... digging up worms to use for bait... exercising the horses... (yeah, that last one wasn't exactly a chore, most days). And they played on the beach or in the water, went for walks, enjoyed campfire time... There was nothing wrong with any of that, it's just... they were always together.

_No, not ALWAYS_... he supposed the times she hung out with Sophie counted as not-with-him time, even though he was nearby. Or when both of them spent time with Sophie, or other people -- including campfire time -- surely that counted for something. _It just ain't the same, though... it ain't like Jackson_. And he noticed that Ellie still always referred to Jackson as home, even though they'd been away from it now for almost as many months as they had actually lived there, and had found themselves a cozy new home in the meantime. She got along with everyone here, but hadn't really bonded with anyone to the same degree as she had at home... aside from Sophie. ... _Well, Sophie COUNTS, don't she? She's staying here_...

It still didn't make up for what Ellie was missing in Jackson. She got bored here sometimes, and he couldn't remember her ever saying she was bored at home, where there was so much to do. Not just in terms of entertainment and people to interact with (though both were considerable)... he figured it had something to do with the lack of purpose that radiated from this... well... hippie commune, was basically what it was. Joel felt it, too. When he was fixing things or building things back home, he felt much more satisfied at the end of the day than when he sat on a pier with a fishing rod or lazed on the beach for hours on end. All play and no work, was what it felt like here, even when he was working. And though he might butt heads with his brother, he respected the way he and Maria were always looking to grow the town and expand to other areas of the state. Joel was curious as to how that new farm was faring... _does it have a name yet, other than sister farm?_

And he had to laugh at the memory of working at that remote farm for days and days -- more than a week, that one time -- without seeing Ellie _at all._ How did he stand it? He'd missed the hell out of her, he remembered, but he must not have been _too_ distracted by thoughts of all the harm that could possibly befall her in his absence, because he'd done good work there, helping construct a perimeter wall. But ever since those three days of hell in Sacramento, she may as well have become the air he breathed, because he felt a physical ache in his chest -- like a fist of panic squeezing his lungs, his heart... whenever he lost track of her for more than a moment or two. Unlike Ellie, he didn't suffer from actual panic attacks, but this shit felt like... like it was in the same family. Good thing it was easier for him to keep an eye on her here. She respected his wishes and didn't go Outside without him -- but unlike back home, she could let herself out if she wanted to. (He still wondered if she'd be pissed if she knew that despite her agreeableness on the matter, Joel had talked to every single guard on staff in Jackson and made sure they understood that Ellie was not to be let out without him under any circumstances; if the outcome of her little excursion with Max hadn't been so amazing -- _the start of our romance_ \-- he may have _killed_ the hapless guards who had let them pass, so he'd thought it best to clear up any future misunderstandings.) 

That fell more along the lines of reasonable concern, though. Curbing the sometimes-reckless whims of a teenager. It wasn't feasible, however, for her to _never leave his sight_. Trying to reason with himself didn't work. _Of course_ Ellie wasn't lying dead in a ditch somewhere just because she was taking longer than expected to return from the bathroom back at their suite, or from taking the kids in for a snack or something. Logic dictated that she was probably just taking a shit, or had run into someone along the way and gotten chatty. One time, the little girl had tripped on the sidewalk and skinned her knee, so Ellie had comforted the child and brought her to her mother. There was always a reasonable explanation. Panic was such a goddamn extreme overreaction, and it angered him. What the hell was the matter with him? He was tougher than this. He _knew_ he was. 

Ellie's bouts with panic were similarly impossible to reason through... but the difference was the severity, and the fact that more often than not, there was a trigger -- a _legit_ trigger, not something as benign as him leaving her sight. They'd identified one back home, a gift from her time spent with that piece of shit David... and those had seemed to subside, after that. Or maybe it was just the passing of time. Now there was a much harder one to avoid: the dark. There was no electricity here, so the night was illuminated by the moon and stars, solar lights (which didn't stay on indefinitely), a big-ass fire, and flashlights. And maybe candles, on occasion. The moonlight that streamed through their window wasn't always bright enough to stave off an attack. Joel would have liked to get her a night light. The flashlight was so damn bright... he thought he'd turned it into a decent night light once by confining it to the bathroom, with the door ajar, but Ellie had scoffed at that and declared it a horrible waste of batteries when all she really needed was him.

It did seem to be true, to some extent; she was fine when they made love in the dark, or when he just held her. The physical proof of his presence must have penetrated her psyche or something, assuring her subconscious that she wasn't actually trapped alone in the dark for days. And he found that he still had a knack for soothing away her nightmares before they really got a firm grip on her. Neither one of them had as many nightmares these days; Joel wondered if the trip home would change that.

No, Joel certainly wasn't in any hurry to leave paradise. He had even entertained fantasies of staying until Ellie turned eighteen. That sure would resolve some shit back home. People could -- and would -- judge him still... he knew that. There might still be some foot-stomping, rock-throwing idiots to deal with. But legally (by Jackson law, at least), they would be two consenting adults, free to do as they pleased. The threat of Ellie being placed in a different home would be null (as would the consequences of whatever Joel might do to anyone who tried to separate them). But he suspected Ellie wouldn't want to wait that long. Tommy and Maria and that unborn baby were her family, and she'd waited her whole life to have a family; she didn't take it for granted. Joel was family, too, of course, but it was understood that wherever they went, they went together, and she would never have to choose between him and anyone else -- she _could_ take him for granted. 

And somewhere inside him -- some cavernous, murky place Joel didn't choose to visit if he could help it -- he knew that if something seemed too good to be true, it was usually because it was exactly that. Applying that logic to his relationship with Ellie was just... no, he couldn't go there. But this resort in Monterey? That was easier to contemplate. Just like any other place, things weren't always what they appeared to be on the surface. Some of it was harmless enough... like how they'd been living here for almost two months before learning that the horsekeeper/hunter duo of Mark and Parker were _not_ actually father and son, even though Parker called him 'Pops.' Ellie had innocently asked one day if Mark had chosen the name Parker because it sounded similar to his own, spurring the confession (Joel _had_ wondered, initially, because there was no physical resemblance between the two that he could see... but then, people always assumed he and Ellie were father and daughter despite them looking nothing like one another, so maybe he put too much stock in that). 

However, Joel suspected that the place held more sinister secrets than mislabeled relationships. At times, he felt a dark undercurrent here... something in a furtive look or a snippet of cryptic conversation that would stir his gut a little, in a way he couldn't put his finger on. As long as he and Ellie were unaffected by it, though, people's business was their own, of no concern to him. Besides, it could possibly be chalked up to paranoia, couldn't it? Because his overactive gut hadn't registered bad vibes off of anyone here. These were decent folks. Not saints, but nowhere near the dregs of humanity. 

Most of the time, Joel was content to abide by what he advised Ellie whenever she fretted too much over the decision: when it was time to leave, they would just _know_. 


	2. The Experiment

Ellie didn't even have to open her eyes to realize that whatever reality she'd just been immersed in was a false one -- only a dream. Because... _JOEL. He's right here_... his warm body spooning hers... an arm flung over her, his breath on her neck. Already the dream had melted away, with just a vague trace of unease left in its wake. _Maybe 'unease' is too strong a word? But I know I was alone_. She was never alone anymore, so naturally, that should feel strange to her dream self. Although it wasn't a nightmare; she hadn't been freaked out or anything. Just... alone. 

"Morning," she mumbled, as she was fairly certain Joel was awake.

"Mornin'." Delivered with a kiss on the ear.

She waited for the _"beautiful,"_ but it didn't come. If she called him on it, he would just remind her that he didn't say it every morning (because it would lose its meaning or some shit). Like it was a _special_ thing. If she accused him of the truth -- that he'd simply _forgotten_ and was trying to cover it up -- he would maybe tease her, or tell her to believe what she would... or he wasn't all-the-way awake yet... whatever bullshit he spewed, he'd never just fucking admit it. A few months ago, she might have pondered what it meant -- because everything might mean _SOME_ thing, and the somethings in her imagination were rarely good once she started analyzing shit. But now? She cringed at the memory of her former self, so insecure... clingy... _needy_...

_Okay, maybe NOT-so-former, really... but I'm much better now!_ Even Joel had said so. And whenever she _wasn't_ feeling as secure as usual, he picked up on it, and gave her the reassurance she needed. Knowing her moods was a facet of what he had dubbed his 'Ellie sense.'

_I don't need to tell him about this stupid dream_ , she decided. She wriggled around a bit, molding her body more snugly to his. "How was your night? Was it wonderful with me by your side?" she recited, a smirk in her tone.

Joel surely must have recognized the slightly-altered lyrics, but he didn't play along this time. "Nah... you kicked me so hard I'm sure there's a big ol' bruise on my shin now."

"Liar."

"It's true."

_He sounds sincere... but doesn't he always?!_ "Lemme see."

Joel obligingly peeled back the covers and rolled onto his back. "See? Right there."

Ellie twisted around and looked where he was indicating. "That was there yesterday! _I_ didn't do it!" She also couldn't help noticing that he wasn't hard. She'd suspected as much, given the lack of ass-poking while spooning, but now she had visual proof. Not that it mattered, or meant anything... morning wood wasn't exactly a _regular_ occurrence for him, so...

"No it wasn't. You're thinkin' of this one." He rotated his right leg -- the far-away one -- so she could see the reddish-purple mark, closer to his knee than the other one.

"You had _both_ of those yesterday," she said... with less conviction. _Did he, though? Or am I remembering it wrong? I did ask him about that one and he said he banged it on that one rail that everyone's always--_

"All right, you can tell yourself that, if it makes you feel better," Joel replied graciously.

"Why would I kick you... unless I had a nightmare? But I didn't. Right?" Strange as it may sound to ask him that, there were times that she herself had no recollection of having a nightmare, yet Joel did. He prided himself on being able to soothe away her nightmares in their nascent state, leaving her with no memory of them.

"Not that I saw, no."

Which meant 'no;' his Ellie sense never failed to register her dream distress when he was right beside her. 

"So I was just mean for no reason," she had to conclude. She tucked herself against his side, letting her hand fall on his abdomen.

"Apparently. You're lucky you're so cute." He took her hand and dragged it up his chest.

"Oh my God, it wasn't even inching down yet!" she cried, trying to hide her amusement.

" _Yet_ ," Joel snorted. "I'm onto you, kiddo."

She swiveled and flung her leg over him, straddling him before he could protest. Or _I'm_ _onto YOU,”_ she smirked. Unlike Joel, she was wearing underwear. _And_ her nightshirt (the yellow one he liked). She had slept naked at times, but found that she preferred to sleep in clothes. To sleep naked was to risk waking up cold in the middle of the night; Joel was good at keeping her warm, but they sometimes rolled away from each other in their sleep. And she did have a second blanket on the bed now (entirely on her side), but even blankets couldn't prevent her shoulders from baring themselves, apparently. As for the underwear... she just felt kind of gross if she didn't wear any. Like she was smearing her pussy juice and pubes everywhere or something. Besides all that, though, she just sort of... couldn't help wondering if there might come a night when they had to suddenly spring into action with no time to dress. Stumbling out in her nightshirt and underwear wouldn't be ideal, but it was a fuckton better than doing so _naked_.

She was kind of surprised Joel didn't think that way, really. She had never known him to sleep naked before! When she'd asked him about it, he said of course she hadn't -- he didn't do it Outside, which is where they'd spent the better part of their first year together, and he wasn't about to do it in Jackson with her nearby. There was only the one bedroom, and even if he had slept on the couch like they would have everyone believe, it was _inappropriate_ because she would at times be in that room, subject to such a terrible _perversion_ as his nakedness (even though it would be covered by a fucking blanket!). Of course, since they were actually sharing the same bed, it would've been even more inappropriate, in Joel logic -- even after things turned romantic!

_Yep, sex fixes everything!_ Joel was far less concerned about propriety now. He was free to sleep in the nude as in days of old. He said in the unlikely event that anyone was stupid enough to break in -- it would have to be through a window, because their bolted door was fucking _solid --_ he didn't need to have clothes on to grab the gun off the nightstand and blow them away (and no, that was _not_ why he insisted on having the side closest to the bedroom window... _"Whatever, Joel"_ ). Apparently, no emergency could arise with such urgency that he wouldn't be afforded a handful of seconds to yank his jeans on before rushing out the door. Ellie supposed that was true; unlike her, he didn't need to worry about covering his upper half. Also unlike her, he always knew exactly where his jeans were, because they always ended up in the exact same spot. No matter how frenzied their lovemaking -- or how playful her mood? -- the jeans would magically end up draped over the lone chair in the bedroom, scarcely more than an arm's length away from him. (Okay, so it wasn't exactly _magic_ , considering that he pretty much always got up to pee after sex. Ellie didn't even have to cajole him into rounding up any of her wayward clothing on the way, either. Aside from omitting the _"beautiful"_ in his good mornings of late, Joel was a pretty good boyfriend.)

"Later," he said now, immune to the sensual motion of her hips... her impish grin...

_...but maybe not The Pout?_ "What's wrong with now?" she pouted.

He ran his hands up her sides, just firmly enough not to tickle. "Nothin'... just... it's gettin' to be on the late side now..."

Ellie rolled her eyes. "Right. Cuz we're on such a strict schedule."

"I hear people up an' about out there." Of course he did.

"I know, I know -- _the tree_. You think they're gonna leave without you? It was your idea."

"No it wasn't. I just agreed it should be done, an' I said it wouldn't be too hard if we could get ourselves a proper chainsaw." Which they had -- they'd borrowed a gas-powered one from the army base. He reached around to give her ass a friendly squeeze. "C'mon. Let's get a move on."

She shifted off of him to let him up. "Yeah, um... about that..." _Fuck, why did it come out sounding so guilty?_ And ducking her head the way she had probably made it seem more so; Ellie forced herself to look at him.

He sat up, but remained on the bed. "What about it? There's nothin' to worry about. I know it's big, but I've done it on an even bigger tree than--"

"Yeah yeah," she cut him off because he'd already told her all about it. In great detail (although the words pretty much went in one ear and out the other, she did love it when Joel got like... _animated_ about things). "Back in Texas. And it fell _exactly_ where you wanted it to. Because you're such a stud tree chopper dude."

"It's just physics," he chuckled. "I looked up how to do it. I didn't just figure it all out on my own. Tommy helped me, too."

For a guy who loved to show off his knowledge, Joel sure could be a modest motherfucker sometimes. "I'm sure you'll manage not to kill yourself. That's not what I was gonna say. I was just thinking... would you mind terribly if I didn't go with you?" Ellie was cringing before she even asked it.

"Why don't you wanna come? I thought you wanted to watch." 

_He seems surprised, but... maybe not crushingly devastated?_ "I did... kind of... but you said it's gonna take hours, right? I'd prob'ly get bored. And I'd get in the way. And then you'd have to worry about the fucking thing falling on me, and you don't want that, right? And it's Outside so there's also... you know. Like hunters... Infected... if I stay here, you don't have to worry about that stuff, right?" ... _Right, cuz we have such a HUGE problem with that out here... FUCK, I hate when he looks at me like that! Like he's trying to figure me out. Or like he thinks I'm LYING or something..._

"You don't gotta make a case for not goin'," he said. "You can stay here if you want." 

"I know I _can_ , but... you'll still go? If I don't?"

"Uh... yeah? Are you sayin' you don't want me to go after all? 'Cause--"

"No no no, you have to go! I get it. It's fine. I was just making sure." _...That LOOK again! Fucking STOP IT, Joel!_ To escape that penetrating gaze, Ellie hopped up and started rummaging through her dresser drawer, pretending it would actually take longer than the standard two seconds to decide what to wear -- and keeping her back to him.

"If you'd rather I didn't..."

"What? No, you should go. I just didn't want to fuck that up for you." Her swimsuit was in the bathroom, where it pretty much lived when it wasn’t on her, because it never really dried out... _he won't get suspicious just cuz I leave the room, right?_

But he spoke again before she could close the drawer and escape to the bathroom. "It's the opposite, ain't it. You want me out of your hair for a change."

"No!" _Er... not exactly?_ She turned to look at him, cursing the blush she felt creeping up her neck. "I want you to do it. You're all excited about it and everything."

"...I don' know if _excited_ is the word I'd use..."

"On the Joel scale, you're fucking _thrilled_ , okay? But like... you did say we should spend more time apart, right?" Ellie pushed the drawer closed without retrieving anything from it.

He looked puzzled. "When did I say that?"

"Um, I dunno... just the other day?"

Joel moved toward her as she started heading for the bathroom, making her pause in her tracks... but then she realized he was just going to his own dresser drawer. Doing his own version of rummaging-as-avoidance, maybe? -No... he pulled out a fresh set of boxers right away and stepped into them. He just wasn't answering her.

_So be it!_

Ellie did her usual morning bathroom stuff and changed into her still-damp swimsuit and T-shirt, sternly commanding her face to quit with the red. _You're not doing anything wrong_ , she reminded herself. _And you're not even LYING, so what the fuck?_ A quick glance in the mirror told her she was sunburned enough that even Joel might not have noticed the blushing. She often wondered how burnt she would be if she never used sunscreen, since it clearly didn't _screen_ completely. ( _"You have to remember to reapply it, especially after goin' in the water" -- yes, Joel, sorry!_ )

She couldn't go to the cafeteria in just her suit and top (well, she _could_... but Joel wouldn't like it), so she returned to the dresser and pulled out her newest item of clothing -- the Nina shorts. That is, a pair of jean shorts given to her by a woman here nearly twice her age named Nina, who claimed they were too tight on her. They fit Ellie perfectly; she just wasn't crazy about the little blue flower pattern stitched on the back pockets. However, this was a flaw she could overlook in light of the fact that Joel absolutely _loved_ them. Anything that made him admire and touch her butt more often than normal was a good thing as far as Ellie was concerned. He even liked the flowers! He liked them so much that when she declared she was going to rip them off with her knife, he made her promise she wouldn't. _"At least they ain't pink?"_ he'd tried to console her. _"What've you got against flowers, anyhow?"_ Nothing -- she liked flowers just fine. Just not on her ass! But sometimes she thought maybe Joel would like it if she were a little bit more feminine, so she figured she could let him have the fucking flowers.

Joel looked fittingly lumberjacky himself in his gold plaid shirt, although he wore those plaid shirts so often it wasn't like there was anything different-looking about him. While he finished getting ready, Ellie made the bed and crossed off another day on her calendar (she was determined not to lose track of the date!). Joel had reminded her to put sunscreen on, and she promised to do it after breakfast instead. At least she never had to do her arms, protected as they were by her ever-present long-sleeved tee. She stepped outside and leaned on the railing in front of their suite to survey the weather, shivering a little. It wasn't unusual for the morning to be overcast like this, even foggy; it would warm up in a bit. Besides, she didn't feel like changing into a sweatshirt and jeans.

Joel came up behind her and engulfed her in his arms, nuzzling her neck. "Mm... have I told you how good you look in these shorts?"

Giggling, she twisted around to face him. "Not today!" she chirped before giving him a minty-fresh kiss. She thought his hands were just roving playfully down there, but then she felt him wedge something in the waist of her shorts, above her ass -- _something hard... that's not his dick!_

It was her gun, of course. "I was gonna get it after breakfast -- when I sunscreened," Ellie said defensively, sensing a pending lecture.

"If we run into the boys over there, I might leave with 'em."

Ellie gasped in mock horror. "Oh no! You mean I'd have to walk _all the way back here_ with no armed escort? And danger lurking around every corner! Whatever would I _do!"_

"Don't be a smartass. You might forget, is all."

That was true. She'd already forgotten and covered it with that fib about getting it after breakfast! She was just so accustomed to having Joel around -- and Joel would sooner leave without a stitch of clothing on than without a gun. _Never mind the fact that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING has ever happened Inside since we've been here!_ "Good thing you're here to remind me," she drawled, wrapping her arms around his neck since he seemed to be in no hurry to let go of her. "Don't forget your super cool _sunglasses!"_

"Got 'em in my bag." His arms settled comfortably around her. "You gonna go grill Sophie about Sylvia, hmm?"

_Oh yeah!_ Ellie had forgotten about that, too. They hadn't seen Sophie until dinnertime yesterday, when there were way too many people around to have a private conversation, and it wasn't urgent enough that Ellie felt the need to pull her aside to discuss. "Maybe. I mean, not _grill_ , just... you know. Find out what she knows." And maybe get her hair done, while she was at it; Sophie's French braids kept her hair contained much better than Ellie's ponytails did.

"Just promise me you won't go in the water."

"Pfff. _Such_ a worrywart," she teased. "I swim pretty good now!"

"Not really. You ain't comfortable bein' underwater. And the ocean--"

"Oh my God, Joel, I knooooow. I'll be careful, okay?"

He kissed her nose. "I don't want you to be careful -- I want you to not even go in. Not ‘til I get back."

"Not even with Sophie?" Ellie knew Joel trusted Sophie to not let her drown. Not as much as he trusted himself, of course -- that was a given on _anything_ concerning her safety -- but more than anyone else at the resort.

"Not even with Sophie."

"Why not?" Ellie protested. "You've always been cool with that. She's a better swimmer than you!"

"I'm cool with it 'cause at least I'm still around," he pointed out. "On the beach somewhere, at least."

"Fine, I won't go in the water." _I wasn't planning to ANYWAY_...

Joel frowned. "If you really want to, I won't stop you. ...Hell, I _can't_ stop you. I would just... prefer it if you didn't. You know that, right?"

"Yes, Joel," Ellie groaned good-naturedly. He was just so _cute_ , with the stupid shit he worried about. Not the possibility of her drowning (that wasn't stupid) -- but sometimes he seemed to feel the need to remind her that he wasn't trying to control her or boss her around. That he wasn't trying to be her dad. The fucked up thing, of course, was that she still did think of him that way, sort of. She liked that he felt so... responsible for her, or something? And, also in the 'fucked up' category, it didn't bother her in the slightest that she was fucking her 'dad.' Maybe if she'd ever _had_ a real dad, it would? She knew it still bothered Joel. He'd come a long way... but it was still _there_ , haunting him at times.

He swayed her side to side, just a little. "Tell you what. Let's find Jeff an' see how the waves are today. If they ain't too choppy--"

"No, it's fine. Really! I don't care! Go chop down your ginormous tree and don't worry about me." She smiled at him fondly. "But it's really sweet that you're willing to seek out someone you don't like, just in case I can't survive a couple hours without swimming."

"I never said I don't like him."

True enough. "You just don't particularly _like_ him."

"I don't... _not-_ like him."

"Whatever, Joel." She suspected he was just jealous of the surfing (okay, so just _bodyboarding_ ) lessons Jeff had given her. Like, not the lessons themselves, but the fact that some guy other than him was teaching her stuff. Stuff he didn't know much about himself. Stuff that required the dude putting his hands on her at times. Joel had tagged along on that first lesson, and his mere presence had turned something that should have been fun into something awkward as fuck for all involved. Jeff's solution was to teach both of them together, and that was definitely better... but still kind of uncomfortable. Ellie had enjoyed the thrill of catching a good wave and riding it in... of conquering her fear, at least a little bit... but after a really bad wipeout that had scared the shit out of her, resulting in her aspirating so much water that her lungs burned? She was cool with not advancing to actual surfing.

It was Jeff who had helped her out that time, not Joel. Joel had been too far away. That should've earned the guy some points with Joel, but nope! Joel seemed to think that any surfing failure on _her_ part was all Jeff's fault. And even though Jeff was the beach's unofficial lifeguard (he'd never had any professional training), when it came to looking out for her in the water, Joel still trusted Sophie more than Jeff (... _because_ he'd never had any professional training?) (...and probably _just because_ ).

Presently, Joel hoisted her up onto the railing, which meant he wanted to talk to her for at least a couple minutes before heading out to breakfast. Ellie loved sitting there with her arms and legs wrapped around him; it reminded her of sitting on their kitchen counter back home, holding him exactly the same way. She supposed they could do it on their kitchen counter here, too, but they were hardly ever _in_ the tiny corner that served as a kitchen, since they couldn't actually cook in it.

_I'll probably have better luck convincing him to have sex with me in there on that counter than out here in the open, though..._

"Ellie... what you said before. About us not spendin' so much time together. You got that idea when I... I think you just took what I said the wrong way. I didn't mean--"

"No -- I know, okay? You don't have to explain." She sighed inwardly. _I thought he decided to drop this subject!_

"I think I do. It ain't that I... that I don't _want_ to..." Keeping one arm around her (as if she might let go of his neck and fall backwards?), he withdrew the other and brought his hand up to caress her cheek. "Christ, you _know_ I love bein' with you."

She smiled; even after all this time, a sweet confession like that could still make her stomach do a little flip. "I know. I love it, too. Being with you, I mean. That's why it works out, see?"

"Yes, but--"

"But nothing! I'm trying to spare you from this awkward... _unnecessary_ conversation. Why can't you just let me do that?" She tugged his face closer to hers. "Maybe this will help..."

He let her kiss him, but he didn't let himself get all into it, and he pulled back way too soon. "That... ain't the answer to everythin' under the sun," he said lightly.

"Really? Cuz... my experience says otherwise," she purred, shifting over to his ear.

He pulled back about as far as he could go without making her fall forward off the railing. "I'm serious. I'm tryin' to say... it ain't natural, the way that we... that _I_..."

"Everything about us is natural," she argued.

Joel snorted. "Not everythin'."

She managed to reel him in a little, his resistance to her charms only motivating her to try harder to charm him. "If you're gonna say it's not natural for me to spend so much time with an _old man_ , you can just--"

"That may be true, but no, that ain't it. It's me. Bein' so goddamn..." He let that thought trail off. "You know I can't stand it when I don' know where you are."

_Aww! Poor Joel_. "But you know why you feel like that. After what you went through, it makes sense. It happened before, and it went away after a while. This time--"

"This time it's different. It's... worse. Maybe it don't seem that way to you, but... it is. It's been months now... and it ain't goin' away."

Ellie cupped his face in her hands, stroking his beard with her thumbs. "If you want me to come with you today, I will."

He smiled a little. Turned and kissed her palm, like she knew he would. "Thank you, baby girl. But maybe that's what'll fix it, in the end... us bein' apart for a lil' while, an' seein' that nothin' bad is gonna happen while we are. I've gotten too spoiled here."

A shiver raced down Ellie's back... one that she suspected wasn't related to being chilled. _He's going OUTSIDE_ , she stupidly just realized. _I should be worried about HIM!_ "You're taking a lot of guns, right?" She craned her neck around to check what he had on his person. "I only see two! Didn't you say you're not coming back here after we eat? Why aren't you bringing more?"

Joel chuckled. "There's three. Plus my backpack -- there's more shit in there. But what did I jus' say? _Nothin' bad is gonna happen."_

"Which means you just totally jinxed it." Ellie frowned. "Maybe you shouldn't go, either. ...How many people are going again?"

"Five total, includin' me. All's we really need is two, so that's plenty. One's just comin' along for fun, though, I think."

"Okay, so four real ones? They don't need _you_ , then," she reasoned.

"None of 'em has ever done it before."

"So... you have to go cuz they'll fuck it up?"

"They might. It's close enough to the perimeter... if it falls on the wall there..."

_That's right_... he would be so close to the resort that it barely qualified as going Outside. That made her feel a little better. "You think it would break the wall?"

"Don' know about that, but I'd rather not make a nice lil' bridge for hunters to climb over. Hell, maybe even Infected."

Ellie couldn't even remember the last time she'd seen an infected person. "So then you'd just chop it into pieces and make it so they can't. Right? Aren't you chopping up the whole thing anyway? For the firewood?"

"Yes, but preferably while it's on the ground. Bit harder when it ain't. Even then, it's a big job... ain't gonna finish it in one day."

"Two days, then? What if you bring extra people to help?"

"Extra people ain't gonna help much when we've got exactly one chainsaw an' one ax."

"Okay, but you don't have to do the whole thing at once. You'd just have to like... get rid of the bridge part. Everything else--"

"Hey hey... I thought this was about me worryin' about _you._ Not the other way around." He kissed her forehead. "I'll be real close. We'll ring the bell before we go."

"That doesn't take care of hunters," Ellie grumbled. The loud-ass bell at the resort's entrance certainly would attract any Infected in the area, though. People liked to use it to flush them out before going out to hunt, fish, or scavenge -- the idea being that it was really easy to then snipe them from the second-floor roof (technically the third, but the ground floor was tucked into the hill and not in use). It only took care of the _immediate_ area, though... which would be fine for today, with Joel being so close... but if it attracted curious hunters who might have otherwise just passed on by, well... that wasn't necessarily a good thing.

"There's no one around. How long has it been since anyone here has even seen an outsider of any kind, infected or not? A month? Longer?" It happened rarely enough that it was always the main topic of conversation that evening.

"Still. You never know," Ellie said pointedly; it was basically one of Joel's mottos!

Joel laughed. "I s'pose you don't. I'll be careful."

"You wouldn't think it was so funny if it was _me_ out there!"

"I reckon I wouldn't, no. But _I'll be careful_ ," he repeated. "And I'll be in a group. Most hunters ain't stupid enough to attack a group unless there's a shitload of 'em, an' it ain't likely that a shitload of 'em will just happen to wander by, now, is it?"

"Okay, okay. It'll be a good experiment for us." Ellie had to bite back a remark about not really seeing the point of spending _any_ time apart; a comment like that risked triggering a Joel response along the lines of _"I'm a lot older than you and won't be around forever."_ It was perhaps the one topic she couldn't stand to let him ramble about. It's not like the thought had never occurred to her, either. It had crossed her mind (more like _attacked_ her mind) quite often -- especially toward the end of their journey to Monterey. To the point of nearly shutting down completely, because if life was just a series of pain followed by more pain... why bother to feel anything at all? But then... _the ocean_. She'd learned to play again. To enjoy the good things in her life. Healing physically had helped to improve her outlook too, she was sure. _The best thing about all that, though? Joel finally agreed to HAVE SEX with me_.

She still wasn't sure what had changed his mind on the matter. It was almost like he just wanted to do it to cheer her up or something. And... well... it worked? Ellie knew she would've been fine without the sex... that time and love had already been working their magic within her, restoring her natural optimism. But she also knew that sex with Joel was as awesome as she had _always_ known it would be, and now that Joel knew it as well, one major source of contention had been vanquished from their relationship. That, in Ellie's estimation, was the thing that had really brought them closer together. More so than the actual sex.

"I'd be far more worried about you takin' a dip without me, than you should be worried about me bein' out there," he was saying now.

"I promise I won't go in the water." She even sealed it with a kiss.

"Thank you. I promise I won't get killed."

Ellie snorted. "I have a little more control over mine than you have over yours!"

She wasn't _really_ worried; Joel was the toughest, most cautious person she knew. And it would be fun to have a chance to miss him a little. Maybe it was strange, but that was one thing she missed about home -- the chance to miss Joel! More importantly, this day apart would give her a chance to turn her attention to other things... things she could more easily attend to without Joel as her shadow.

* * *

_I THINK this is his room...?_ Ellie knocked tentatively on the door. "Parker? You in there?"

Just when she started to debate whether or not she should try to peer through the glare-y window, the door opened. "What are you doing here?" asked Parker.

"Hello to you, too," Ellie huffed. "I thought you wanted to hang out today. Or did I dream that up?"

He stepped back and gestured for her to come in. "Uh... I guess you dreamed that up. I'm going fishing. See?"

Ellie supposed that was true, unless the boy was in the habit of leaving a fishing rod where he could trip over it and a tackle box on the desk. He didn't normally wear a bucket hat like he was wearing today, either; it flattened his curly blond hair (the whitest blond Ellie had ever seen). He looked very fisherman-like. "Okay, maybe 'hang out' is a bit of a stretch... but you wanted to tell me something. Right? Like... twice now. You've started and then stopped. Remember I said today would be a good day to talk cuz Joel won't be around and you were like okay let's--"

"It's not just Joel. Is he really not with you?" Parker stuck his head out the door and looked around, like he couldn't believe it.

"He's doing his lumberjack thing today. He'll be out there for hours."

Satisfied that she was indeed alone, he turned around and looked at Ellie dubiously. "Are you even allowed to be here?"

"Of course I am!" Ellie scoffed. "Why _wouldn't_ I be?!" _Fuck a duck... maybe I SHOULD do more stuff without Joel!_

"I dunno. All I know is he doesn't look like the kind of person you want to piss off, know what I mean?"

"You know he's actually really sweet." And she knew Joel would cringe at that description -- but she also knew that everyone here had witnessed at least a teensy bit of that sweetness, since she and Joel weren't hiding the nature of their relationship... they held hands and shared chaste kisses and stuff in public. Poor Parker had probably only exchanged a handful of words with Joel, ever, and received at least twice as many dirty looks. Because Joel was fucking ageist and sexist: biased against teenage boys. The only reason he allowed Ellie to talk to Parker was that he was the only other person here even remotely close to her age. ... _oh my God -- I think of it as being 'allowed,' too? UGH. There has to be a better word for it.._. "And why would he be pissed at you for talking to me? Especially when I'm the one bugging _you!"_ And she hadn't witnessed any deathglares _recently_...

Parker shrugged. "I think what I actually said about today was 'whatever.' Not... 'let's hang out.' I got these new lures I'm gonna try out. Wanna see?"

Ellie didn't give a shit, actually, but she humored him by looking at what he extracted from the tackle box: brightly-colored rubbery lures shaped like little fish. "Those are cool," she had to admit, despite her lack of interest. "Easier than worms, huh?"

" _Way_ easier -- and they should work better, too, since the fish can see them better," Parker explained.

"Who are you going with? Mark?" His not-dad... and actually more like a buddy than a dad, from what Ellie had observed. They didn't even live together or anything.

Parker hesitated just enough before answering that it seemed like the question made him uncomfortable for some reason. "No one... I'm going by myself."

"Oh. Like out on the jetty?" Joel preferred that to one of the piers, since the jetty was Inside.

"No... out on the water."

... _Whoa_... "You mean you're taking one of the boats? By yourself? Really?"

"Yep."

"Can I come with you?" she blurted. Then she figured she'd better keep chattering before he could think up an excuse to say no. "I promise I'll be quiet if you want quiet. You won't even know I'm there! If you want that, I mean. I won't scare the fish away or anything. Maybe I can help with... something? And I won't try and make you talk -- about _that thing_ , I mean? -- if you don't want to." _...well, maybe just a LITTLE..._

He just stood there frowning, like he was still trying to come up with a worthy reason to reject her.

_But he hasn't said no yet!_ "Please? Just for a little bit. Do you go the whole day? We could go out for a while and then you could bring me back if I'm too annoying. I mean, I _won't_ be annoying, but like... if you just really _really_ would rather be alone, that's cool. I won't get mad. I know you like to be alone. Joel's like that too sometimes. Not as much as you, just... I mean I get it, you know?" Except she didn't really. Pretty much the only time she wanted to be alone for any decent length of time was if she was super upset about something... and even then, more often than not, she'd still rather be with people -- especially Joel -- than not. But Parker... he went off by himself kind of a lot. At first, she'd thought that maybe he had developed the habit because there was no one here close to his age... and that it would change, now that she was here. However, any time she tried to engage him in something, it was a crapshoot (as Joel would say) on whether or not he would join her. Or join _them_ , usually; if Joel was the deterrent, well... she'd taken care of that today!

He sighed. "Alright, if you're okay going without Joel."

_Yes!_ "Pfff. We _are_ two separate people, you know!" But Ellie was too thrilled to get an 'alright' out of him to be annoyed. Besides, she had to remind _herself_ that she and Joel weren't actually the same person sometimes, so she could hardly expect others to remember it.

"I mean like... if you're sure he wouldn't mind."

"He won't!" she fibbed; he probably _would_ mind. Not unlike Joel's location, going to the docks also barely qualified as going Outside... but it _was_ Outside, and to be going out with only one other person... who happened to be a teenager, not some venerable _adult_... in a fucking _boat_ , no less...

_It's okay, Joel -- I'm going ON the water, not IN it!_ she justified it to him in her head. _I'm not breaking my promise, see?_


	3. Diamonds

Parker's boat of choice was the tiniest one Ellie had ever seen. She hadn't been out on the water all winter... she and Joel had both been put off of boating when they'd gotten hit by a storm fierce enough to nearly capsize them (in a bigger boat than this!). But today was turning into a nice sunny day, and Ellie wasn't worried about storms. Just... the boat was so fucking _small._ It was the only one Parker felt confident driving, though, and he claimed that, despite its diminutive size, it had everything necessary for deep sea fishing.

Ironically, Ellie felt relaxed for the first time once they were flying across the water. Maybe not _relaxed_ so much as... not so anxious about the water? The wind whipping her hair (yanking some of it loose from her ponytail, as she hadn't had time to go persuade Sophie to braid it for her), the salty spray of the ocean foam misting her face... it was like they were _running_ across the water, so low that they were practically level with it. The flying sensation was akin to riding a galloping horse. 

She didn't even attempt to speak to Parker until he turned off the engine. "So this is a good spot?" she asked.

"We're not gonna stay here," he replied. He only had one fishing rod, so there wasn't much for Ellie to do other than offer to help him bait the hook -- and of course he didn't need her help with that. 

"Um... I guess we're not, cuz we're still moving," she observed. She had to move out of the way for him to stick the rod in one of the holders behind her, at the 'butt' of the boat.

"Just trolling," he said as if that clarified things.

_Whatever that means?_ "I saw you switch off the engine, though, so..."

"It's a whole different motor. It's quiet, see, so it doesn't scare off the fish." He finished fiddling with the rod, then switched places with Ellie again, putting her back in her original spot. He claimed it was better if he was facing the rod so he could see if the fishing line jerked. Ellie preferred to face forward anyway, so that worked out nicely. They both could have sat on the same side, but the boat was so small that it would have been a bit too cozy. Like she would probably only sit that way if she was with Joel. Sitting on the bench seats properly put them down even lower, aligning them pretty much flush with the surface of the water (although she wasn't close enough to the side to touch it). The square hole deal in the middle of the boat reminded her of 'the pit' in the library back home, where the wide steps were intended to serve as multi-level seating -- only the boat was waaaay smaller than that. She could recall times when like twenty or thirty people had gathered in the pit, and this boat could maybe hold four, max. Perhaps five if someone stayed at the wheel the whole time. _That's kinda proportional to the population of the two towns, really... though calling Golden Sands a town might be pushing it..._

Ellie wondered how long she should wait before trying to coax a secret or two out of Parker, who seemed perfectly content to just sit there and not say a word. She could at least try to get him to open up about whatever he'd been trying to tell her. _I DID say I'd be quiet... but I also don't want to waste this opportunity to have a good talk at last... who knows when the next one will come?_ "Will it scare the fish if I whisper?" she whispered after enduring a few silent minutes.

"You can talk normal," he replied... all normal-like. "I don't even know if there's any fish around here. Might take a while to get a bite."

Ellie slouched more comfortably in her seat, admiring the way the brilliant sunlight dappled the waves. The 'diamonds' that had captured her fancy from the moment she'd first laid eyes on them last fall surrounded her now. She felt very... _small_. But not in a bad way. She _had_ remembered to put sunscreen on, and Parker had brought a bottle of the stuff -- just for her, she suspected, because his skin was much tanner than hers. Joel said everyone was supposed to use it, though, not just the fair and freckled like herself (but did he use it himself? No! He wanted to conserve it all for _her_ ).

She decided that since Parker hadn't told her to shut up when she'd asked about whispering, it was basically the same thing as being given permission to talk. "Can I ask you something?"

"No."

Ellie blinked. _That was fast!_ "Okay."

Parker chuckled. "Kidding. I already know what you're gonna ask."

"No you don't! I was gonna ask... about when you start to tell me something and then change your mind. I'm not asking you what it _is_ , just... what stops you from talking about it? Is it... cuz you don't trust me?"

"Um... no, that's not really it."

"...Then what?" she prompted after a moment. _Is he gonna make me play twenty questions like Joel does sometimes? Except with Joel, make that FIFTY questions._

"It's more like... I actually don't know how many people around here know, and how many don't. I think you're with the 'don't's."

Ellie snorted. "I'm _totally_ with the don'ts, whatever it is. Dude, I have no idea what you're talking about. None. Zero. Enlighten me, _please_."

"Well but then I think... maybe it's better if you don't. Like... you're too... ..."

"Too what?"

"I dunno."

Being 'too' anything usually wasn't good -- the exception being Joel calling her too sexy, perhaps? -- so Ellie couldn't help bristling a little. "Whatever _too_ you think I am, I'm not. Do you think that I like... won't understand, or something?"

Parker took a moment to answer, like he was mulling it over. "Actually... you and Joel might be the only ones who _do_ understand. I guess that's why I keep almost-telling you."

The 'and Joel' threw her a little. _So the problem isn't that Joel's always around! What the fuck?_ "But you've never almost-told me when Joel's right there," she pointed out.

"No... you're easier to talk to."

"I am," she agreed. She personally found Joel very easy to talk to, most of the time... more and more as time went by. But she liked to think of talking to him with ease as her own personal superpower. "If you want him to know, you can tell me and I can tell him..."

"Well... it's sort of a three-parter. I think that... you guys might be okay with the first two parts. Just not the third."

Ellie considered this. "Okay, so can you just tell me the two good parts?"

He chuckled at that. "It's the third part that makes me keep almost-telling you, actually."

_What?_ Now her curiosity was _really_ piqued! "Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"No."

"Cuz if you are--"

"I'm not."

_It SOUNDS like he's telling the truth_... but she wasn't that adept at sniffing out lies sometimes. "And you keep not-telling me because... you don't think I should know. For some reason. Is it something... embarrassing?"

"No. I mean... ... -No." He leaned back on his hands and looked at her... thoughtfully?

" _Kind of_ embarrassing?" she ventured. "Shameful?"

"No -- it has nothing to do with me. It's about you."

"What? Dude -- if it's about me, then I should definitely know! Don't you think?!" She sat up straighter. Leaned forward, even.

"Not if-- er..." Parker frowned at her knee. "I guess I don't know you well enough... to know how you would take it."

"Trust me. I can take _anything_ ," she declared.

He glanced at her. "Don't know about that. You don't even know what it is."

"Exactly! So tell me!"

This nonsense went on for the next several minutes. She didn't get the sense that Parker was annoyed by her persistence. In fact, she felt like she could eventually wear him down, as long as she managed not to lose every last ounce of patience and _throttle_ it out of him. He did agree that if she guessed it, he'd tell her if she was right. The problem was she had _no idea_ what to even guess! She'd been curious before, but now, knowing that it wasn't some deep dark secret of Parker's but that it actually concerned _her_... she just fucking _had_ to know.

Finally, he said he would tell her. That he could tell her the third part first and then kind of back into the other two parts from there. Only, he really felt that he should tell the second part first, otherwise she might get 'skeeved out' by the whole thing. 

Basically, the more he talked, the more confused she became.

"Okay, I have an idea," she said, amazed at how calm and patient she sounded when she felt anything _but_. "You said you didn't know if you knew me well enough, to know what I'd think about this thing. Right? Well... can you just think of one thing -- or a couple things? I dunno -- whatever it is you really need to know about me... to decide that. Just ask me, and if I answer correctly, you know you can tell me."

Parker laughed... but it was a nervous laugh, not a you're-so-ridiculous laugh. "That's... uh... well, for one thing, there's not a right or wrong answer? It's more like... your opinion. Your views on... things."

"Okay, whatever -- if my opinion doesn't line up the right way with your _thing_ , then..." _Then what? I can't drop this now!_ She would have to figure out what the 'right' answer was to unlock the mystery (because _of course_ there was a fucking right answer!). "Just think about it. Can you think of one question you could ask me that would help you figure it out?"

"Oh, that's easy. Yep."

Ellie waited. ... _Okay, so_... "Um... then fucking _ask_ me already?!" she laughed.

Parker seemed to be chewing on the words now, at least... trying to find the right combo to spit out... but the waiting was driving her crazy! _You would think that being with Joel would've taught me a thing or two about PATIENCE_ \-- but apparently it hadn't.

"It's easy to think of it, harder to ask it," Parker said. After all that waiting.

"Can you just... _try?!?!"_

"...I don't wanna upset you."

"You won't!" she assured him.

"You... already seem kinda pissed."

"I'm not!" _...Gee, what could've given him THAT idea?!_

"And now you might actually be scaring the fish away," he teased (at least, she thought he was just teasing?).

"Fuck the fish! Can you just. Fucking. _TELL ME_. Please -- I'm _dying_ here."

He smiled apologetically. "Sorry. Okay. Um... you know how you're with Joel."

Ellie waited for the question, but there wasn't one. "Yeah. I'm _with Joel._ So?"

"And you... you love him and everything."

She didn't know what the _"and everything"_ encompassed, but-- "Of course I do."

"Okay. Right. What if... do you think you might ever feel that way... about someone else? A new person?"

_...the FUCK?_ "What? That's... no! Of course not! I just told you, I love Joel."

"I know! But..."

"Do you mean after he's gone? Cuz I know he's old-- _older_ , okay? You don't have to fucking tell me that. Just cuz he's older--"

"No, Ellie, that's not--"

"--doesn't mean he's _old_. He's gonna be around like another fifty years!"

"Okay! I get it," he said... but then immediately looked puzzled. "Fifty years? Isn't he like--"

"He's going to live forever, okay?!"

"Right. Whatever. That's not what I was getting at. Not _after_. I mean at the _same time_ as Joel."

_This is fucked up!_ "What... love someone else? Like... _now?"_

"Yeah. Not literally at the same time, like with both of them there... ...unless you guys are into that, I guess. But yeah. Having more than one... partner, or whatever."

"No! No fucking way! That's like... _no."_ Ellie was so appalled, she almost found herself speechless (quite the rarity, that!).

"Okay, well... I got my answer, then. You don't need to hear the rest."

She'd nearly forgotten this thing was threefold. "Yes I do! I'm not upset. I was surprised, that's all. I still wanna know what the thing is. The three things."

"There's no point. But at least now I know I tried..."

Ellie got the impression he was saying that last bit more to himself than to her. And that's when it dawned on her-- _Oh my GOD. I'm such a fucking idiot! How did I not see it before? How did I miss the signs? And I thought JOEL was clueless about this shit... I am, too! Wait... I STILL don't see signs. I can't think of any. Other than like... right now, with him being like weirdly shy about asking me stuff. But it never seemed like he was going out of his way to spend time with me or anything... and he never touches me... except like helping me into the boat, I guess? But that's not the same thing. What did that one article say? -the ARM, that's right. That's what people touch to show they're interested. Or they did in olden times. ...But how would Parker even KNOW that?! How would he know... ANY of it? How to go about showing interest, or ~making a move~... he wouldn't. He's been here since the beginning, so he couldn't have been older than, what... thirteen or fourteen? Okay, fourteen or fifteen, more like. No one his own age around the whole time. I don't know about before. I guess he might've had a girlfriend before... or boyfriend... not sure why I've always assumed he was gay. But now... I mean, he might like both. It doesn't matter. What matters is I was a total jerk to him just now! He was trying to tell me how he feels and I practically bit his head off. …Although he really did go about it COMPLETELY the wrong way. Starting off like that... it immediately put me on the defensive. Like he was questioning my love for Joel. People here think a bit differently than back home, that's for sure. I took it like an insult, but... I mean, I KNOW certain people here are fucking people besides the ones they're 'with.' Joel knows it, too. But he doesn't know that I know, and I don't WANT him to, cuz then he might think we should like... I dunno... maybe try doing that too? Or feel like he's 'holding me back' in some way -- GOD I fucking hate it when he thinks that. ANYWAYS -- we don't talk about it... aside from Sylvia... I still need to get the dirt on her... she's not with anyone so it must be the other person who is... -but whatever. FOCUS, Ellie. Back to Parker. I should say something to him. Apologize, maybe? I mean... how long has he been hiding these feelings, and then I just... he must be like DEVASTATED right now..._

"You okay?" he asked her -- _he_ asked _her!_

"Yeah! Fine. Um, are you?" - _Duh, of COURSE he's not! What a stupid--_

"It's just weird... you being quiet all of a sudden."

He didn't seem to be avoiding eye contact or anything... and he seemed _okay_. _Maybe he's tougher than I give him credit for?_ "Parker... I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For sort of... freaking out like that. I was just... surprised."

"No worries."

She frowned. "No, I feel bad. I'm... flattered. Really. You seem really nice and everything... it's just... you know. I'm with Joel. And I'm not just _with_ him, I'm like... crazy-in-love- _'with'_ him. Ugh, am I making it worse? I guess you prob'ly don't wanna hear--" Ellie cut herself off, surprised at the expression on Parker's face. "What's so funny?"

"You think... that _I_...?" He was clearly suppressing laughter.

She felt her face turn red. "That you what?"

He looked thoughtful again. Or as thoughtful as a person can look while _smirking_ , anyway. "Yeah... okay, I see why you would think... _Man._ I really botched that."

"Botched _what?"_ What was there to botch if he didn't actually have a crush on her?

"It's not me. I'm not--" He paused and finally let a real laugh escape.

"You're... not in love with me," Ellie surmised.

"Nope. You can relax."

"I _am_ relaxed."

"I mean... you know. I didn't bring you out here to..."

"I invited myself along," she reminded him. "Well, _fuck_. I thought I had it figured out, and now nothing makes sense again. The way you said that... it's not you. Does that mean it's someone else?"

Parker shook his head, chuckling. "You already answered the question, so--"

"But someone else likes me? Like _that?!_ ... _WHO?"_ Ellie couldn't think of anyone at the resort who had ever looked at her all... lustful-like, or had tried to flirt with her... but maybe she was just oblivious? Blinded by her devotion to Joel?

"It doesn't matter."

"It does to me! Especially if I made them think-- it's not _Chad_ , is it?"

"What, the _little_ guy?" Parker looked appalled.

"So... no, then."

"Isn't he like... eight?"

"Okay, no." She supposed eight was quite a bit younger than twelve... she was pretty sure her little friend Clicker back in Jackson had a crush on her, and he was twelve -- _except he's thirteen now... and he's probably forgotten all about me!_ She felt a little pang in her heart at the thought. Not that she wanted him to... what was it Joel had called it? _"Pine away"_ for her? But it would be nice if he remembered that she existed... maybe even missed her once in a while, especially when playing the Wii... _I miss that, too! That was so fun!_

"You'd never guess who it is, so don't even try," Parker said... and maybe he didn't _mean_ to make it sound like a challenge, but...

"If you're not gonna tell me, I have to _try_. There's only so many people it could be!"

"And it's none of those."

"...What? Dude-- okay, is it a guy or a girl? Can you at least tell me that much?"

"A guy."

"Okay -- process of elimination. ...There's still a bunch of people, though. Older than Joel or younger than Joel?"

"Uh... I dunno? Younger, I think. I don't actually know, but... probably, yeah."

That only eliminated four more. "Does he have a wife? Girlfriend? Anyone?"

"This is a waste of time. I already told you--"

"Does he or doesn't he?" Ellie pressed.

"I don't know for sure but I think... no?"

"How do you not know for sure? You've been here longer than me, and I know everyone's--"

"Because I told you -- you can't guess it!" Parker laughed. 

"I can and I will! That narrows it down to... well, it eliminates Alex, thank _God_. That would be awkward!" There was no way Parker didn't know about Alex and Nina. _Alex fucking CAME HERE to be with her!_

"Awkward? Why?"

"Cuz he's friends with Joel, for one thing… plus his sister Sophie is like _my_ sister so he's practically my brother! Okay, so... oh! It's Jeff! Isn't it! _Ha!" No wonder Joel was jealous! He could tell that Jeff--_

"Nope."

"...Oh. Damn." She wondered if Joel knew the person. Would he not share that information with her? Wouldn't he want to warn her away from him? Unless he thought doing so might only push her toward the dude. Like, in Jackson, Joel didn't want her hanging around Max -- even though Max so did _not_ have a thing for her -- and that dislike had totally made her want to be Max's friend, for some strange reason. _Well, since we're playing A Gazillion Questions--_ "Does Joel know who it is?"

"I'm telling you -- neither one of you knows who it is. I don't mean it's someone so weird that you'd never guess. I mean like... you literally _do not know_ this person."

"Oh. Dude, you could have _said_ that."

"I tried!"

_Yeah, right!_ He seemed to be enjoying this little game toooooo much. "Uh... okay, if I don't know this person... how does he know _me?"_ The more she learned, the less sense it made!

"He doesn't."

"He... what?" Ellie laughed. "I thought you said... ugh, maybe you'd better just fucking tell me what you're talking about, because I'm still _totally_ lost. Unless you get off on torturing me... and I'm starting to suspect that you do."

Parker chuckled, too. "Sorry. I guess you've earned it now, after all this. The guy... he _wants_ to know you."

_...What a bizarre thing to say!_ Ellie had never heard of such a thing. "Why?!"

"Uh... I dunno? You're like his 'type,' I guess?"

"What type is that? Like... how does he even know anything about me?"

"He doesn't." Parker sighed. "It's my fault. I mentioned you to... someone else, a little while ago. But I didn't think anything of it, you know? Just that it was cool to have someone my age around... I didn't know he'd go tell anyone else about it."

"Who did you mention it to? Not... someone who lives with us? Who else would you even see?"

"My boyfriend. And no, he doesn't live with--"

"I didn't know you had a boyfriend!" Ellie cried, keenly aware that he was gauging or judging her reaction to this little bomb he'd finally dropped. "Fuck -- if I'd known that, I never would've jumped to the wrong conclusion before. Why doesn't he live in the resort? Where is he?"

"He's, uh... at the base. Where we get our shit from. He got me these new lures, actually." Parker frowned over Ellie's head at the fishing line. "Which I thought would work _better_ , but obviously... psh, maybe we _are_ being too noisy."

The wheels in Ellie's brain were spinning in full motion now. "So he's a soldier! How often do you get to see him? How did you even get together in the first place? Why is it a big secret? Or... yeah, it's at least _kind_ of a secret, because you said you weren't sure how many people know, right? Why haven't you at least invited him to a campfire or something? So we can all meet him?"

Parker held up a hand. "Whoa... slow down. Uh... why can't you meet him? Because... it's not like that. I don't even think he'd come, if I asked."

"O...kay... why not? If he's your boyfriend..."

"Yeah but like... we have separate lives. It's not like you and Joel."

_Man... the more he talks, the more questions I have!_ "How can he be your boyfriend and... not really be in your life?"

"Well... he's older… that's part of it..."

"How old?" Ellie gave him a withering look; there was no way she didn't have him beat in the age-difference category!

"Twenty-eight."

"Pffff -- that's nothing! Twelve years?"

"More like eleven. I'll be seventeen soon."

Ellie snickered to herself because she played the same sort of rounding games with Joel. And it made _zero_ difference. _So why do we do it? Haha._ "Dude, I don't know if you've noticed? But Joel is _way_ older than that, and no one here gives a flying _fuck_."

"But they did in Jacksonville. Right?"

"Jackson," she corrected him. "Yeah, they would, if they knew... huh, now I know why you were so interested in that. In _us_. I just thought you were curious, but you were sort of comparing, weren't you? Taking notes?" _And Joel thought he might be interested in ME because of that? Ha! I can't wait to tell him how wrong he was!_

"Not really... I dunno. Caleb's different."

"Caleb... that's a nice name," Ellie decided. "Have you ever _asked_ him to come to dinner or anything? Or to come visit you? Wait -- _does_ he come visit you? In your room?"

"No! No no, we always go there."

"We? Isn't he already there?"

"Me, I mean. I go there."

Ellie supposed it was a simple mistake, if he was thinking about the two of them being a couple or something... but he seemed kind of sheepish about it. Like there was something more to it. _I'll ignore it for now_ \-- "Why can't he ever come here?"

"He just... can't. He wouldn't, even if I asked."

"Why not?"

"I told you... it's not like that."

"Not like _what?!"_

"Not... you know. That would be too weird."

"Why?"

"Well... I mean, pretty much all we do is get baked in his bunk."

Ellie quirked an eyebrow. "That's _all?"_

"You know what I mean."

"No. I really don't." This whole thing just sounded so... _strange_.

He rolled his eyes. "Yes, we fuck. I mean, that's obvious, right? Besides that -- we smoke... we might talk a little when we're high but if not, then... we fuck a _lot_ , okay?"

Ellie wasn't going to press him for details... although, she _was_ curious as fuck... _NO, WHAT THEY DO IS PRIVATE_ , she berated herself. "Do you sleep over there?"

"No. Only if I doze off. But I'm not supposed to."

"Do you _want_ to?" She couldn't imagine fucking Joel and then just trotting off to go sleep somewhere else.

"If I'm tired, I guess? But I just sleep late the next day so no biggie."

She did see him roll into the cafeteria mid-morning sometimes... _like when me and Joel sleep in. Or when we 'sleep in,' wink wink. Hee!_ "So like... you fuck and then just leave, most of the time?"

"Well, I usually hang out a couple hours."

"How often?"

"At least once a week. Usually it's more, but that's the minimum."

She thought ‘minimum’ was an odd word choice, like there was a requirement or something? but she understood what he meant. "So when we don't see you all day, does that mean you're... with him?"

"During the daytime? No. I do actually like spending time on my own... you know? When I don't have to like... _be_ anyone. Just me."

Ellie wasn't sure what he meant by that, but it wasn't important right now. "Okay, so... you think he wouldn't wanna come over for dinner? Or campfire." Campfire time was Ellie's favorite part of the day. _Not counting going to bed with Joel, at least?_

"No way." Parker scrunched up his face. "Like... I can't even imagine it. That would be _so_ weird."

"Why? He could still smoke pot if he wanted to. _You_ do, sometimes." Sometimes it seemed like she and Joel were the only ones who _didn't,_ but Joel said that was just her imagination.

"I know, but... it would just be _weird_. Sitting there, like..."

"Like what? A couple? Holding hands, maybe?"

Parker laughed. "Yeah... no. We don't do that."

"Because... you don't go anywhere together."

"Yeah."

"Even over there? You just... stay in his room?"

"Uh-huh."

She thought he sounded a bit weary of the subject now. "Sorry... I don't mean to grill you or anything. You can tell me to fuck off if I go too far. I'm just trying to understand... when you say it's _not like that_... do you love him?"

"Yes."

No hesitation. _Good!_ "Okay... does he love you?"

Parker shrugged. "I mean... I guess? He likes it when I come over."

"But... he's never said it to you. The actual words."

"Nah."

"When you say it to him, does he just--"

"I _don't_ say it to him," Parker chuckled.

"Oh! Maybe he doesn't even know! You should _say_ it, dude. Just tell him." She remembered how long it had taken her and Joel to tell each other!

Parker shook his head. "Shit... if I told him that? He'd prob'ly laugh his ass off."

"No he wouldn't! It's hard to say it the first time, I know, but--"

"You don't even know him. How do you know he wouldn't laugh?"

_…Because Joel didn't laugh at ME?_ She realized that was a lame reason. "Okay, so I don't know for sure. But... he's your boyfriend, right? Like... you had that conversation."

"Uh... a conversation? Not really. I don't know what else to call him. My fuckbuddy? Psh."

_Basically, YEAH_ , from the sound of things. Ellie didn't know what to say to that. Parker didn't seem _sad_ or anything. _Maybe I should ask about that_... "So... does he make you happy?"

"Of course."

"...You _like_ going over there."

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I?"

"I dunno... I mean, if that's _all_ you're doing... just sex? You did say you talk, though. Right?"

"Sure."

Ellie had kind of been picturing Parker going over there, popping in for a quickie, then leaving immediately after their dicks dried up. If they actually _talked_ , she supposed that was better... _and they smoke pot. Don't forget the pot!_ "Um... do you guys like... kiss and stuff?"

Parker wrinkled his nose. "Kissing's gross."

"What?" Ellie laughed. "How old are you -- ten?"

"I mean, he offered... even though he's not really into it either... I guess we kiss sometimes when we're high? But in general..." He ducked his head and laughed. "I don't know how you got me to tell you all this shit."

Ellie chuckled, too. "I'm just _so_ easy to talk to!"

"You are. It's kinda cool. I've never told anyone about Caleb before."

"Really?" That made Ellie feel even _more_ special! _Except it doesn't make sense_... "I thought you said you weren't sure how many people knew. How would _any_ of them know, unless you told at least one?"

"I mean... about the whole thing... in general."

"What whole thing?"

"Never mind. I figured you'd be cool cuz... you know. Joel."

"And you don't care if I mention any of this to him?" Ellie wanted Joel to know that they weren't the only 'illegal' couple on the whole fucking planet, as he seemed to believe. "You did say you thought me and him would understand. Both of us. Right? But if you don't want me to say anything--"

"No, it's fine, you can tell him about whatever you want... as long as you think he'd be cool with it. I assume he would be, but you know him better."

"It would be really hypocritical if he wasn't, yeah," Ellie agreed. But right after she said it, she felt a nibble of doubt at the thought. Joel _was_ sort of a hypocrite, sometimes. Or so he described himself. _Maybe if I don't tell him EVERYthing... like how Caleb doesn't want to come over here... or how Parker's not sure if the dude even loves him_... Ellie hadn't thought much of that at first, due to her experience with Joel in that regard, but on second thought... Ellie had known _without a doubt_ that Joel loved her before he'd ever said it in words. Like... a whole _year_ before. She may have doubted the exact nature of it on occasion (for a while, she had feared that Joel's reluctance to do sexual stuff with her meant that he didn't find her attractive)... and she still, at times, wondered if he would love her forever, the way that she loved _him_... but she knew with absolute certainty that he loved her.

_Maybe Parker's just shy and doesn't want to tell me everything_ , Ellie reasoned. Guys weren't great at talking about their feelings to begin with... and she and Parker had never talked about any of this shit before. 

"I guess I should tell you the rest," Parker continued, as if refuting her silent assessment. "You heard about the two people who disappeared from here, right? Before you got here."

"Yeah. A little. Why?"

"Well... they didn't actually disappear."

"...What do you mean?"

"They left. Because they didn't like what was going on... over there..."

"You mean... they knew about you and Caleb?"

"I don't know what all they knew. I only heard it secondhand. But they tried to interfere or something... I don't know exactly what happened, but it didn't go well, and they left."

Ellie wondered who he'd heard it from, but she could circle back to that. "Fuck. That sounds... ...are you sure they left?"

"Uh... yeah, they're not here anymore, are they?"

"I mean... if they _interfered_ , maybe the soldiers... ?"

"What -- did something to them?" Parker shook his head. "Nope, pretty sure they just left. They came back from there and had some kind of argument with Ray and Jan... and then left." Ray and Jan were like the Tommy and Maria of Golden Sands -- except _way_ more laid back.

"Did you see them? Or that's what you were told?"

"Didn't see them myself, no."

_Look at me... suspicious about everything, just like Joel... ha!_ "So... Ray and Jan know about... whatever." 

"Ray, I don't know. But Jan's the one who--" He paused, like he'd thought better of whatever he was about to say. "You're not gonna go ask them about it, are you?"

"No!" _Hmm, that's a good idea..._

"Good. Don't. You can't tell anyone about this, Ellie, okay? ... ... _OKAY?!"_

_Aww, man_... "I won't," she promised. "Except Joel. You said I could tell him, right?"

"You can tell him about Caleb if you want. I don't _think_ Ray and Jan know about him... I've never actually told them, and no one ever sees me leave. Discretion is one of the rules. It's always way after campfire, when I go."

Ellie felt like she was missing important pieces of the puzzle... an overwhelming number of pieces, and she could only look for one at a time in the jumbled mess. "How do you leave? I mean... you can't ring the bell to get back in if you're coming back in the middle of the night, right?" Joel could hear it in his _sleep --_ and he had, a couple times, when their bedroom window was open. He'd even gone out there to see what was up. He would've told her if he'd heard the thing in the wee hours and it was Parker.

"No, the sundown rule is legit. I know people get back later by mistake sometimes, but... it's not a routine thing. There's a secret way out through the ground floor out front. The actual ground floor, I mean."

"The one that’s more like the _under_ ground floor?"

"Yeah. That's a better name for it, actually! There's a spot where it looks all boarded up, but it's not... if you know where to go. There's a door." Parker chuckled. "You know, one time Joel fucked that up for us by fixing the board? Him and Alex. They thought it came loose. I had to go unfix it after."

_Fuck... MORE pieces to look for!_ She vaguely recalled Joel mentioning that to her eons ago. "Wait... so anyone can just go in and out down there whenever? It's not locked up?"

"There _is_ a lock. We have to leave it unlocked when we go out. But we're always really careful to lock it when we get back, except when--" Again, he swallowed his words. "There's a system, for that. For the _except_. But you can kinda pull the board in place behind you so that even if someone Outside was down there at night with a flashlight, they couldn't see anything -- like it wouldn't look like a door they could go through. No one's ever come in that way. Just us."

_Oh, Joel would not like that!_ Ellie wasn't thrilled about it, but... as Joel would say, _"when in Rome"_? (She had _finally_ gotten him to tell her what the fuck that means!) She couldn't see him applying that motto to this, but she could do so herself. Like Parker said, it had never been an issue before, and these people had lived here for... what, two or three years, at least? Some had been in the area longer... she wasn't sure exactly when the place had evolved into its current state. Anyway, who was she to judge?

_But._ Back to an earlier 'missing piece'... "You keep saying 'we'..."

Parker nodded. "I figured we'd have to get to that. There's three of us, I think. Three or four. Though actually I'm not sure who all still goes. I think there've been some that start and stop?"

Ellie just looked at him, puzzled. "Dude, what are you _talking_ about?"

"Sorry -- I just feel like... I can tell you about _me_ , but it's up to the others if they wanna say anything. You know? So I can't... give you specifics, basically."

"The others who... sneak out at night?"

"Yeah -- I think some might go in the daytime, too? But they can go the normal way if they want... if it's between sunrise and sunset, basically. When Ray is around. That's why I think he might know everything. Maybe you should ask him if you wanna know more." Parker squirmed a little... like he was starting to get uncomfortable or something. "Except... then he'd know someone told you..."

Ellie chuckled. "I don't, like... _want to know more_. I barely talk to Ray, really." And usually when she did, Joel was with her. _Yeah, I can see it now... "Joel, excuse me, but I really need to talk to this old dude in PRIVATE, and I can't tell you what's up. You don't mind, do you?"_...and suddenly she remembered another line of questioning she'd dropped -- she'd gotten a little distracted, questioning Parker about his boyfriend! "What I really wanna know is... what's the deal with this guy who wants to... _know_ me?" _That's so weird!_

"Yeah... well... I'm supposed to bring you with me some night." Again, he seemed to be ready to weigh her reaction...

"What -- when you go over there to see Caleb? You want me to tag along? Would I get to meet him? Caleb, I mean." She couldn't help sounding eager at the prospect. _Maybe Joel is rubbing off on me? Like... I just wanna see if Parker's boyfriend is an okay guy or not..._

"Nah. You'd just... go see the guy."

"The guy that likes me. Even though he doesn't know me."

"Yep."

"Just... go hang out in his room?"

"Pretty much." Parker shook his head. "Just forget it. You already said no, so--"

"I know, but... I wanna know how this works. Is that... is that how you met Caleb? Someone brought you?"

"Uh-huh. ~Special request.~"

_O...kay?_ "So... how long before you guys were boyfriends? Seems like it's not the easiest way to get to know a person."

"It was that same night." Parker snickered a little... and she was kind of getting a you're-so-cute vibe off him now. Like the kind she got from Joel when he was secretly laughing at her. "See, I knew I shouldn't've told you all this."

"What? Why? What have I not been cool about?" She'd been _awesome_ about everything!

"You're cool, you're just... I feel like I'm corrupting you or something."

_Ugh!_ How could anyone think she wasn't corrupt now that she wasn't even a fucking _virgin_ anymore?! "Dude -- I'm already corrupted! I was partly corrupt before, and Joel took care of the rest."

Parker was still too amused for her liking. "The rest? I don't think so. I don't think you're getting the full picture here."

Ellie refrained from screaming, but she couldn't help voicing her irritation. "Well, maybe I would if you'd just fucking _tell_ me in a normal--"

"I did! I didn't spell out all the letters... er... however you say that... but it's okay -- I actually had no idea until I went and saw for myself."

_Uuuggghhh_ \-- "Saw _what_ for yourself? I mean... you're making it sound like... ...-You said you _love_ this guy. Caleb. Right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. So... no one's _forcing_ you to..."

"No. I'm not like... a prostitute or whatever."

"Of course not! I didn't say that." 

"I know. But... I'm not. It's just Caleb. And it was my choice. I just want you to know that."

"Okay." _Oh man_... she kind of hated how she kept hearing Joel's voice in her head, making her question the legitimacy of this whole thing the way Parker was laying it out, but... "Can I ask... how old were you? The first time."

"The first time I went over there? Fifteen."

_Same as me!_ That was a good thing, she thought. If _she_ was old enough to decide such things for herself, then he had to be old enough, too, or she was a big fat fucking hypocrite. _...Right? Except... Parker's boyfriend isn't my sweet amazing wonderful JOEL, so..._

"We didn't actually fuck for... a while, if that's what you're wondering," said Parker, like--

_Did he just read my mind?_ "Oh. Um, it's really none of my business..."

"It's okay. That first night... he just gave me head." 

_Oh wow, okay, be cool, Ellie, don't blush like a stupid--_

Parker smiled... probably because she was indeed blushing like an idiot. "Sorry, it just seemed like you really wanted to hear how--"

"No, I do! I mean... it's cool. Whatever you feel comfortable sharing." It was weird, having a 'girl' chat -- like the ones she had with Sophie -- with a guy. But she could never quite bring herself to share really intimate details with Sophie. She knew Sophie wouldn't mind... wouldn't be _offended_ or anything. In fact, she would probably enjoy it. Just... _that stuff is private!_ And Ellie would bet her _life_ that Joel didn't go around dishing out details on the stuff they did in bed together, either. She couldn't even imagine it. Even though everyone here knew they were fucking. _Maybe it's different with guys, though? ...MOST guys. Not MY guy. He's one of a kind._ "So... that's it? You didn't... you know... do anything to him?"

"Nope. That was it. I was nervous at first, but then like... I didn't even need the weed to relax. It was _awesome_. I mean, I never... that was the first time I'd ever done anything sex-like, with someone else. Or had it done _to_ me, I guess is more accurate. He asked if I wanted to come back, and I was like hell _yeah_ I wanna come back!"

Ellie smiled; she remembered that exciting _sign me up!_ feeling. It wasn't too long ago that she'd been there with Joel, even though it sort of felt like forever ago now. _Okay, so they're not TOTALLY unlike me and Joel._.. She couldn't help wondering something, though. "And... eventually you started having sex, you said. But did you ever... er... _do_ you ever..."

"Huh?"

"...You know. Suck _him_ off?" she whispered. As if the fishies might be scandalized. _...as if they're even around!_

"Of course. We've been together a long time, you know."

"Right. So... he doesn't think you're too young for that?" she asked dubiously.

"Psh. No? I mean... we're _fucking_..."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean... I thought maybe since you're only... um, okay, yeah never mind. So--"

"Wait. Why did you ask me that... and then get all weird about it?" He was all amused again. "Is that what Joel tells you?"

Ellie ducked her head. _Fuck!_ "No, I was just... forget it, okay? Did you--"

"It's okay," Parker said (...and his fucking _"it's okay"_ s were really starting to get on her nerves!). "I'm sure it's just different with girls."

_Or Joel is just a total prude about it?!_ ...But the remark turned her thoughts in yet another direction. "Have you... ever been with a girl?"

"No."

"...Cuz you don't want to?"

"I mean... maybe if a cool one came along? I don't have anything _against_ girls..."

"Caleb wouldn't mind?"

"He's told me he wouldn't care if I had a girlfriend. I think... maybe he's had girlfriends here and there, you know? But he prefers... he says it's better with me."

"And if a ~cool boy~ came along instead? Would he mind that?"

"He doesn't want me to be with anyone else at the base -- which is cool cuz I don't wanna be? -- but that's... different. Like... not real life. In real life, he prob'ly wouldn't care, I guess. But I think I'd be more likely to find a girl."

Yeah, opposite-sex couples far outnumbered same-sex ones everywhere Ellie had been, too. "Right. So... when did you know you were in love with him?"

"When did I know? Um... that's a good question. Maybe it was love at first sight? Or... love at first blow... heh. The sex was the main reason I wanted to be with him, obviously."

... _OBVIOUSLY... and it sounds like it's still the ONLY reason, really... ick_. Ellie was trying to still be cool, but she couldn't help being a _little_ skeeved out. The more she learned about Caleb, the less he seemed like Joel. But... maybe she wasn't being fair. _It sounds like they have to keep their relationship secret from the other soldiers, at least? So what are they supposed to do, other than hang out in Caleb's room and fuck? Go for a moonlit stroll?_

Actually... they _could_ do that. Maybe then, they could hold hands?

"You still seem like... confused," Parker observed.

"No, I'm just... trying to imagine what it was like... in the beginning. Did you know what was up, when you went over there? I mean... how did _he_ even know he would like _you?"_

"He saw me. He saw me on the beach, but I didn't really notice him. Just knew there were soldiers looking around. And before you ask why you've never seen any -- they don't come around anymore. They were asked not to. I think because of the kids... after the kids came here."

"Oh." She didn't see what the kids had to do with anything, but whatever-- "So he didn't talk to you. Just saw you... and liked what he saw."

"I guess." He gave her a measured look. "I take it things were different with you and Joel."

"Uh... _yeah_." She couldn't even _imagine_ Joel in Caleb's place... just scoping out the beach for a nice piece of ass... then having someone escort her to his bunk without even speaking to her. _Fuck SPEAKING -- Parker said he didn't even notice Caleb, so they didn't even make eye contact!_ That was just... so...

_But it WAS Parker's choice_ , Ellie reminded herself. _He wasn't forced. He could've said no. ...Just like **I** told him no when he asked me earlier. _"So... the guy that likes me. If I went over there with you, he'd... expect me to do stuff with him. Sex stuff."

"Yeah." Parker snickered. "He's not looking for a _friend_ , Ellie."

"Yeah, I get that, it's just... I mean, don't you think it's kinda weird?"

Parker shrugged. "What's _normal_ anyway, right? If you want, I can get Caleb to ask him what he'd expect the first--"

"No! _Fuck_ no. I'm not... _interested,"_ Ellie shuddered.

"Right... um, maybe it would be a little different, since you're a girl. What if you didn't have sex with him? Then would you be interested maybe?"

"Of course not." ... _like I'd be HALFWAY interested or something? Oral only? Eww!_

"You sure? What if like... all he wants you to do is get naked so he can look at you and... he does it all himself -- you don't touch him and he doesn't touch you. Would that--"

"What would I even _get_ out of that?" _Gross!_ "Why did you go, that first time? Were you just horny or what?" She had to steer Parker away from the disgusting topic of her being with this creep!

"I guess? But... we _do_ get stuff, too. Since you mentioned it. Like... actual _stuff_. Where do you think it all comes from?"

"Um... I know it comes from the base. They trade for the pot. And maybe some other stuff. Boat maintenance or something?"

Parker snorted. "That's the front, sure. But the truth is they can grow their own. There's _tons_ of it around. And there's nothing we could do for them that they can't do themselves. It's the _other stuff_ they want."

"...Sex."

"You got it. Finally."

Ellie bristled. "Well... I'm sorry to say, that _does_ kind of make you a whore. If you're--"

"I'm only with Caleb. That's it. And I _want_ to be. A whore would be more like... someone who'll fuck _any_ one."

She was starting to feel a little sick to her stomach. She couldn't tell if it was from motion sickness catching up to her, or the horrible turn this conversation had taken. "Is that what the other people are who do this? Whores? Giving it away for... fucking _fishing lures_ , and--"

"I'm the only one who got the lures. Caleb knows I like fishing. But it's not just that. It's gas for the boats. Toothbrushes and toothpaste. You guys benefit, too, see. It's a community thing. Didn't I see Joel with some new sunglasses the other day? Where do you think those came from?"

_What?! Oh man, if Joel knew..._ "I don't believe this. You're telling me... everything we have, that we don't get for ourselves..."

"I don't know all the details. Everyone benefits, but we get extra. Caleb gives me _alcohol_. Like, actual bottles of it."

Ellie wrinkled her nose. "That shit makes me sick. ...What if he didn't give you anything? Would you still do it?"

"Yeah. It's not like he gives me stuff every time anymore."

"...So he did at first?"

"He didn't have to. I was hooked on the sex." Parker didn't sound ashamed or anything. Like he was just stating a fact.

"On getting your dick sucked, you mean." She could say it without blushing now.

"Yep. Best thing _ever_. If you had one, you'd feel like that, too."

_THEN WHY DOESN'T JOEL LET ME FUCKING-- UUGGGHHH! Never mind that now_... Ellie was still dumbfounded by the whoring. Maybe Parker didn't think of it that way now, but it had definitely started out that way. Exchanging sex for stuff was prostitution, whether it was with one person or twenty, the way Ellie understood it. _So he was a monogamous whore instead of a slutty one... it doesn't matter!_ "Man... you said there's three or four others who do this?"

"At least."

"Why doesn't everyone have to do it? If it's _FOR THE GROUP_ and all."

"Uh... same reason we get to eat food we didn't go out and get ourselves?"

"So like... it's just a job."

"Yeah. And it's all voluntary. I'm pretty sure not everyone would do it." He snorted. "And not to be mean, but not everyone would be... like... _welcome_ over there?"

Ellie understood. _They want the young and pretty... and mostly girls, I bet. Women, not men. But it's not like there's lots of people like that at the resort? Everyone's kinda old. ...Oh my God--_ Now she knew where Sylvia went late at night! She didn't even have to ask Sophie after all--

\-- _Fuck. Is SOPHIE doing this, too? She's not a whore!_ And yet... Ellie could see her maybe falling into a Parker/Caleb situation. If she found a guy she liked. _She likes sex, and she doesn't need to love the guy to do it with him... but she said me and Joel went about things the RIGHT way -- waiting forever to have sex. She said that's what SHE wanted, too. Not the forever-waiting, really, but getting to know and love the guy first._ And would she bother helping out in the kitchen if she had this other job? Whereas Sylvia didn't do anything that benefited the community -- she was a mother to those kids. And not even a good one, really... _and she never seems happy... is it really voluntary?_ Parker had said some people stopped going, which made it sound like there _was_ a choice.

Anyway, Ellie knew Sophie hadn't slept with anyone since they'd arrived. Sophie had promised to tell her if she did! ... _Would she tell me THIS? Maybe I should see what Sophie thinks before I tell Joel... fuck, maybe I shouldn't even tell Joel at all!_

Ellie... _really_ did not feel good.

Parker was studying her. "You look a little..."

"...green? I think maybe I need to stick my head over the side for a minute..." Stomach roiling, Ellie leaned as far over as she dared... and nothing happened. She stared at the waves right under her face. Dark green and murky-looking... the diamonds were gone, at this angle. She knew they were just an illusion in the first place: the sun's rays reflecting off the surface. Not like there were actual _gems_ in the water. _It's so pretty from far away... so ugly up close_. _FUCK--_

"Want me to take you back?" Parker offered.

"No..." She stared at the water for another minute before slithering back down in her seat -- all the way down, so her head was level with the sea... but she could lean back, this way. _Hey, we stopped moving_... "Did you stop the boat for me?"

"Yeah... did it help?"

She shrugged.

"Here. Maybe this will help?" He handed her the thermos.

"Thanks." She took a swig. _At least I don't feel like I'm gonna hurl now, but..._ "Maybe I _should_ go back. Sorry."

"It's okay. This area sucks anyway. Or maybe the fish can hear better than I thought. Damn, I really wanted to catch an albacore. Maybe I'll drop you off and try that way... more to the north."

Ellie re-did her ponytail (though she kind of wondered why she bothered, with the wind still trying to play with it), then closed her eyes and slumped even farther into her seat. _Just... ugh, how the fuck does Parker even KNOW he's in love with Caleb? If all they do is fuck... and he's never been with anyone else. Maybe he's confusing sex with love. I could see that. And if he's getting high... or getting drunk... like, how much of their relationship is even REAL? He even said it himself -- it's not 'real life' over there. It's NOTHING like me and Joel. I'm so lucky! I wish everyone could be as lucky as me._

"Ellie..."

She opened her eyes and took in the worried look on Parker's face. "What? What is it?"

"It won't start."

"What do you mean 'it won't start'?"

"I mean, _it won't start_. I think we ran out of gas."

"Are you serious right now?!" He looked serious. "Great. That's just fucking _wonderful._ Isn't there a spare gas can on this thing?" Not that it would fucking _fit_ anywhere...

"Usually? But there isn't right now. I don't know what happened to it."

_Oh man..._ "Fuck! So what do we do?"

"We keep fishing, I guess. ...At least we won't starve?"

"I'm not eating raw fish!" If she thought she felt sick _now_ \--

"No, I mean I brought some snacks. There's like... seeds... grapes..."

"I'm not hungry anyway. Fuck... you really need to get this thing moving again, somehow. I need to get back before Joel does."

Parker shook his head. "I can't. No gas... no oars, or paddles... good thing we told Jan where we were going cuz I'm pretty sure we're stuck here."

"You mean they're gonna have to come find us?"

"Yeah."

"When will they do that? How long will they-- fuck, you told her you'd be out most of the day!"

"But _you_ didn't. You said like an hour, right? Maybe--"

Ellie groaned. "She's just going to assume I changed my mind and decided to stay with you longer. Fuck fuck **_fuuuuuuuuck!"_** She shouted that last bit -- just because she could.

Maybe Joel wouldn't wait that long. Maybe he had already gone back to check on her or something -- he hadn't gone that far away, after all -- _unlike ME_ \-- _fuck!_ \-- and then freaked out when he couldn't find her. He would ask around, find out where she went, and hunt her down.

...Or _would_ he? Maybe he would just think that this was her plan all along -- ditch him 'til dark. Like she would ever do that on purpose! _He knows I wouldn't... right?!_ Or maybe he would view it as good practice at being separated... part of the fucking _experiment_ \--

_Oh God--_

She leaped up and lurched to the side just in time to stick her head out and empty the watery contents of her turbulent stomach overboard. The relentless little waves were mocking her anguish, lapping at her face while the boat rocked. 

Usually she felt better after puking... but this time, Ellie felt utterly wretched.


End file.
